Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Verbal Jujutsu Part I

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—Verbal Jujitsu Part I

Jujutsu 柔術, literally meaning the “art of softness“, or “way of yielding” evolved among the samurai of feudal Japan as a method for dispatching an armed and armored opponent in situations where the use of weapons was impractical or forbidden. Due to the difficulty of dispatching an armored opponent with striking techniques, the most efficient methods for neutralizing an enemy took the form of pins, joint locks, and throws. These techniques were developed around the principle of using an attacker’s energy against him, rather than directly opposing it, and came to be known as jujutsu. (Skoss, 1995)

In an earlier blog, I mentioned my time as a Jujutsu instructor. At the time, I would have no way of knowing how much this experience would impact the way I communicated and dealt with conflict in relationships. But, first a little background so the concepts will make more sense.

As a teenager, I competed in Tae Kwon Do. But it soon became clear to me that this form held some very real shortcomings. First of all, TKD wasn’t really a great equalizer. At barely 5’4” (when the planets are in line and the moon’s gravitational pull it at its peak) and 135 pounds, I have serious limitations against a much larger, drunk, pissed off, or otherwise highly motivated attacker. Many of the moves (defensive or offensive) are going to land my opponent 1) dead (crushed windpipe) or 2) in the hospital with an injury that will haunt him forever (I.e. taking out a knee or crushing an instep).

On my way to becoming a Jujutsu convert, I explored other forms beyond TKD, some of them quite vicious in their methods, complete with techniques for gouging eyes and ripping out tracheas (yikes!)—obviously desperate tactics that should be reserved as a last resort.  Although I enjoyed martial arts as a sport, I held reservations about ever applying it in a real life situation, especially since, once a person becomes a black belt, the stakes are far higher. Not only could I be charged with assault, but it could be upgraded to “assault with a deadly weapon.” Then, there is the cold truth that we happen to live in a highly litigious society. Many people are looking for any excuse to sue.

Over time, I conceded that, if forced to defend myself against a far larger attacker, I was only going to be able to punch or kick so hard. And since, in a fight, adrenaline is running high, it is highly likely I would have to resort to tactics that could cause severe injury or even death—fertile soil for jail time or a law suit. No fun there.

So I continued my search.

Then one day I ran across Jujutsu. What I liked most was the practicality of the form—it provided options. Instead of meeting an opponent head-on, Jujutsu redirects his energy against him and capitalizes on the fragility of the joints. It only takes a few pounds of pressure to dislocate a wrist, shoulder, or elbow…regardless how big, drunk, high or angry the person. With Jujutsu, there were moves that, when a guy took a swing at me, I could 1) step out of the way 2) trap his hand as it passes then 3) turn in my body weight and apply pressure to the back of the elbow.

With Jujutsu I could follow through with the strike (ouch), but I could also choose to stop at a joint lock. This means that my 6’6” opponent is now bent forward and, if he fails to see reason, will have a badly dislocated elbow. His energy is neutralized. Any movement on his part only causes him a degree of pain. The great part, though, is I now have Junior in a position to calm down and listen to reason…and nobody has to walk away injured.

One of the reasons I love teaching the HC & HA tools, is I’ve made all the mistakes. In doing things the wrong way, I possess a lot of knowledge through hindsight. My brother has a great saying, “When the mind is stupid, the body suffers.” In martial arts, when I failed to listen, I paid the price, frequently with bumps, bruises, strains and breaks…reminders of my stubbornness or stupidity. In relationships, when I failed to listen or to use the proper approach, I also paid the price in hurt feelings, damaged friendships, strained trust, and injured loyalty. Translated, “When the mind is stupid, everyone suffers.”

To me, these are the worst injuries of all. But, the great news is that these sorts of wounds can be minimized in our lives with the application of the proper communication techniques.

In life, more specifically in conflict, there are three types of communicators. 1) Weak 2) Strong but Undisciplined 3) Strong but Disciplined. Most of us will find ourselves as the first two at different points in time. It’s only with certain learned skills and respect for stress that any of us can advance to the third type of communicator.

The weak communicator is either an avoider or an attacker. When faced with conflict, this person will generally do one of two things. The one side of the weak communicator is the person who will nod and agree until the other party runs out of steam. Yet, once the argument is finished, it isn’t really resolved. There’s no closure but a ton of resentment left to fester until it erupts again. The flip-side of the weak communicator is someone who resorts to verbal or actual fisticuffs. Someone provokes her and, since she cannot articulate, she makes her point by cursing, insulting and name-calling. She either emotionally or physically assaults the other party.

***Interrogator Lesson Number One explains how important it is to respect stress. When stress levels get too high, biological defense mechanisms short-circuits our higher thinking centers and tosses us into the primal. The reptilian brain only knows to scurry into a hole or strike.

The strong but undisciplined communicator, in my opinion, causes the most collateral damage. All of us have been in the fight with that person who could verbally toss us around like a rag doll. They have this way of turning everything we say against us and seem to know the one thing to say that strikes to the core of our being…often plunging us into reptilian brain thinking. We go from being normal logical people to foaming at the mouth raging lunatics.

This type of communicator may or may not be conscious of what he is doing. If this person is aware of his actions, then we are probably dealing with a sadist. If unaware, this is merely a person whose verbal gifts have a dark side being fueled by stress, a person who is also in reptilian thinking. The cerebral cortex (the governor of the tongue) has been removed and we may find ourselves 1) fighting out of our weight class if we have lost it to the point of resembling someone with Tourette’s or 2) going to the mattresses trading verbal punches with the same vicious ability.

The strong but undisciplined communicator has brutally effective verbal skills. Yet, their tactics remind me of the martial artist who gouges eyes, tears off ears, or rips out the trachea. Does it end the fight? Um…yeah. But there is permanent damage that’s gonna take a long time to heal, if it doesn’t kill the relationship right there.

There is a good reason to walk away from conflict. It gives us time to calm down and keep the governors on our tongue. When I used to teach Jujutsu I’d tell the students that the best way to win a fight was to avoid one. This doesn’t mean we ignore the issues, it means we are sane enough to appreciate when a situation is turning volatile. It is also a reason we allow others to walk away, that we give them time in another room, a long drive, or a night on the couch.

Conflict stinks, and all of us have a desire to end it as soon as possible. But we also should be aware of what endgame we desire. Predatory endgame pursues the person into the other room or out into the garage. The only goal is to end the fight because it will end the discomfort. And don’t feel bad. Unless you’re running for sainthood, all of us have made this error. We have either pushed or been pushed, and it is common knowledge that, when cornered, even a rabbit will bite.

The strong but disciplined communicator respects stress and chooses the choke hold over the snapped neck. He redirects his opponent’s energy and diffuses it. One of the first moves we teach in Jujutsu is the best way to not get punched is to simply step out of the way. Anyone who has seen a Stephen Segal movie has witnessed this maneuver. The strong but disciplined communicator knows that the best way to win a fight is to avoid one. What differentiates him from the weak communicator is that he returns later to address the core issues behind the conflict when everyone has had time to cool off.

HC&HA relies on all of us appreciating and understanding the effects of stress. When studying martial arts, there is tremendous emphasis placed on controlling emotion. That is why so many styles incorporate meditation. They understand it is the state of mind that makes the difference between dislocating an attacker’s shoulder and stopping the move at a joint lock. Similarly, even a master of Verbal Jujutsu can resort to the verbal equivalent of snapping a neck if the stress levels get too high.

Remember, practice makes perfect. In any form of martial arts, repetition is key. A white belt is probably not going to remember how to block the playground bully’s fist headed straight for his nose. But, by the time he’s done that move a few thousand times, it becomes as natural a reaction as blinking. The same holds true for these techniques. It is a process of practice and failure until is second nature. And life throws more than enough conflict our way to get lots and lots and lots of practice J.

Yet, reality is that escape isn’t always an option. There are other tactics used by the skilled but disciplined communicator. Want to know how to neutralize and diffuse conflict when evasion is impossible??? Find out in the next Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas J.

Until next time…

Footnote:

Skoss, Meik (1995). “Jujutsu and Taijutsu“. Aikido Journal

 

 

 

 

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—Interrogator Lesson Number One

Lesson Number One—Understanding the Power of Stress

 

The key to HC & HA principles is a thorough understanding of self and others. Physiology is not to be underestimated. Stress can be a powerful adversary, but also a powerful tool when used correctly. Sort of like an ax, stress is a tool best used by someone who possesses skill steeped in respect.

 

I’ll expand on that later in Interrogator Lesson Number Two—Using the Power of Stress for Advantage.

 

First, Biology 101. Have you ever wondered why you can’t remember half of what you said after a fight? Wondered why it seems the only time you can’t find your keys is the day you’re late for work? Been curious why your I.Q. suddenly plunged to “functionally retarded” while on a date?

 

Yup. Stress. But how does stress make perfectly normal and otherwise bright individuals turn into instant idiots?

 

Basically, the same biological defense mechanisms that kept us alive hunting bison while wearing the latest saber tooth fashions are still at work today. The sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems work in tandem to regulate the conscious mind. Sympathetic gears us for fight or flight. Parasympathetic calms us down after we’ve outrun the bear…or finished that job interview.

 

In order for the sympathetic system to do its job effectively, it dumps all sorts of stress hormones into the body—DHEA, cortisol, adrenaline—to enable that super human strength, speed, and endurance required to survive the crisis. The problem is that the human body thinks in blanket terms and cannot tell the difference between fighting off a lion and fighting off an angry spouse. And one can see how those two could easily be confused J.

 

The human brain is divided into three parts:

 

Cerebral Cortex—higher thinking functions like language, meaning, logic.

 

Limbic/Mammalian Brain—used for experiencing emotions.

 

Reptilian Brain—cares only about food, sex, survival.

 

So before going any further, you are probably curious why I chose to look to interrogators for insight. I mean, they aren’t generally viewed as warm fuzzy people who could guide us in relationship success. But, I believe we can learn a lot from them.

 

Why?

 

Interrogators know stress, are agents of anxiety. Their understanding of stress and its effects allows them to maneuver individuals effectively to gain accurate answers to their questions. Good interrogators know why torture is often ineffective. A brain frazzled to the breaking point physiologically cannot access information contained in the cerebral cortex (higher thinking center). Thus, good interrogators manage stress. And so should we. This is why their insight is valuable to the rest of us mere mortals.

 

And for the purpose of this blog, I am referring to bad stress so there is no confusion. Good stress (such as a set deadline for a goal) is for another blog.

 

Modern life may not have as many literal lions and tigers and bears, but we are still bombarded with their figurative counterparts all day, every day. Just like an interrogator, it is a vital for all of us to understand stress and its effects. We also have to accept that stress will always be a part of life. Getting angry about it is about as productive as being ticked at gravity.

 

So, if stress will always be present, how can we use it to our advantage instead of becoming its unwitting victim? And anyone who has ever written that term paper the night before it was due knows stress can be quite helpful.

 

When stress hits, the body reacts within milliseconds. The sympathetic nervous system floods the body with hormones, increases heart rate, pulls blood away from digestive and reproductive systems, etc. And, most importantly for today’s lesson, diverts blood supply to the mammalian and reptile brain at the expense of the cerebral cortex. Apparently the body feels your witty repertoire of Nietzsche quotes are not real helpful in lifting a car off your child.

 

And, since the mammalian brain is in high gear, this explains why it is not uncommon to experience intense emotion while under stress. This is why crying, when confronted or angry, should not necessarily be perceived as weakness. It is also why, once you calm down, you frequently wonder why you were so upset to begin with…mammalian brain overtook logic. This is also why the gazillion action figures your child leaves littered across the floor suddenly becomes a capital offense two seconds after you accidentally set dinner ablaze. Your emotions have taken front and center stage and knocked logic into the orchestra pit.

 

Another interesting point…

 

When the sympathetic nervous system prepares you for fight or flight, your pupils dilate. The purpose of this is to take in as much information about a situation as possible. The problem is that, although you are seeing “more” you’re actually seeing “less.” The body is totally focused on the cause of the stress. This is why, when you’re running late to work, you see every clock in the house, but cannot seem to find your car keys.

 

This is an important lesson for all of us. HC & HA provides tools to create effective relationships. Understanding how stress affects our ability to think and even what we see is just as critical as knowing where we sit on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (discussed in HC & HA Parts Four through Six). It gives us perspective. But, more importantly, it frees us.

Now that we understand and respect stress, we have permission to go on vacation or truly take a day off. When bad stress piles up, we are physiologically are incapable of:

 

1) Being productive.

 

That manuscript will take 5 times longer to complete because you keep forgetting what you were writing. And while you’re chasing your train of thought, you will be beating your computer’s thesaurus function to death trying to find another word for “the.”  

 

2) Making clear decisions.

 

You won’t be making decisions from the logical part of your brain, so buying that corvette without telling your wife might actually seem like a bright idea.

 

3) Interacting in a healthy way with your fellow humans.

 

The new trees for your back yard might never get planted because your husband will be too busy plotting a way to bury you under them.

 

So be aware, and when the stress levels get too high. Take a breather.

 

Understand that it is okay to walk away and regroup. Just because someone confronts you does not necessarily mean you are required to adhere to their time schedule. In fact, it is best for all concerned that you don’t.

 

Additionally, this is yet another tool to help spot and avoid toxic people. Not to oversimplify complex psychological dynamics, but toxic people are brokers of stress. Whether or not they do it consciously, they thrive off an atmosphere teeming with anxiety.

 

An extreme example might be an abusive partner. Just about the time the battered wife knows she’s in a mess and plans to escape, the abuser does something that sends her right back into limbic/reptilian brain thinking that is incapable of strategy.

 

A lesser example is that person who is always a vortex of need—all of us know one. The person who’s always has some new drama or trauma guaranteed to kick up your stress levels and get you parting with $100 or a place to stay for a couple of weeks.

 

Have you ever wondered why toxic people don’t like you to have other friends/a network of support beyond him or her? An abuser doesn’t let the partner he’s using for a literal or emotional punching bag make friends. Toxic people don’t befriend you or date you.

 

They take you hostage.

 

And it’s for good reason. Keeping you in a constant state of stress is very advantageous to the toxic person’s agenda. Can’t have you thinking too clearly. Might realize you’re making dumb decisions. And worse, might change things.

 

In the earlier blogs, I discussed the importance of active questioning and listening. Thus, when you’re out on the town and meet that hot guy, but then all he does is talk about his ex-girlfriend, how he lost his job, and his dog died…RUN!!! Don’t give him excuses or feel sorry for him. Do not be fooled by those disarming puppy dog eyes he flashes as he tells you he needs to fight for custody of his kids because his ex-wife is psychotic and he fears for the children’s safety.  While it all may be true, it is also a ploy to gut hook you and reel you into his agenda. 

 

Any of you happened to see The Neverending Story? Remember Atreyu struggling through the Bog of Despair while evil pursued? And he stays too long in the swamp and the horse succumbs to the hopelessness and sinks below the murk to its death? And all of us cried because it was super sad?

 

Yep. Same thing here.

 

Stick around toxic people too long and you risk getting sucked into your own Bog of Despair. 

 

And the most important lesson here is to respect stress. Respect its effects the way you should alcohol. Why do we make certain to have a designated driver? Because when we’re sober, we think clearly and know that driving drunk is a very poor decision. Yet, the problem with alcohol is it removes our ability to think with the higher brain functions. Stress does the same thing. It limits/obliterates clear thought.

 

That’s why it is a very good idea to have people close to you whom you respect to step in and 1) force you to back away and take a break, 2) convince you to take a vacation, 3) give you a reality check, 4) take on some of the burden, 5) run interference with toxic people.

 

Handing the ball to someone you trust is a sign of prudence, not weakness, especially when dealing with toxic people. All of us have buttons, but fortunately, our buttons are different. Your mother-in-law who drives you to wanting to stand on rooftops with an automatic weapon might not remotely bother your wife or best friend or pal from church. Let them deal with her and then offer to reciprocate when they need a “heat tile,” as I like to call it.

 

Interrogators do the same thing. They take great care to keep a bead on their own levels of stress. Their colleagues also keep a watchful eye. If stress reaches a critical point, they know it is wise to turn a suspect over to another interrogator who is either in a better frame of mind, or not as riled by that particular suspect’s emotional assaults/levers.

 

And if these people who are the definition of toughness, yet their behavior demonstrates clear respect for stress and what it can do. We would be wise to follow their example.

 

Until next time…

 

 

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