Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Verbal Jujutsu Part II

“For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.” Sun Tzu

 

In the last blog, I mentioned how, as a Jujutsu instructor, my greatest advice to eager young students was that the best way to win a fight was to avoid one. Of course, all of us are aware this is easier said than done.

 

Martial arts gives us a lot of useful parallels when navigating the murky waters of human relationships. As an instructor, I also was a salesman. No students meant no classes which translated quickly into no paycheck. Yet, martial arts was not for every personality type. During my tenure I had to turn away a handful of individuals when my series of questions revealed a person who was looking and hoping for a fight. That wasn’t what Jujutsu was about. We aspired to recruit individuals who wanted discipline, fulfillment and, ultimately, to be prepared. Jujutsu teaches powerful and sometimes deadly techniques, but the true student of the form, deep down, hopes to never be forced to use them.

 

Sadly, we all deal with people who are looking and hoping for a fight. They may be in the workplace, in an organization, a club, or even a member of our own family. In “Interrogator Lessons” I referred to them as “toxic people.” Also, all of us possess our own needs, wants, agendas and even baggage. Like billiard balls, we will sometimes “strike” against each other. Since we don’t have the luxury of living out our days alone on a desert island reality dictates that conflict is inevitable. HC&HA, like Jujutsu, is for people who desire discipline, fulfillment, and, ultimately, to be prepared when conflict arises.

 

Today, we’ll discuss two important tactics; flexibility and redirection.

 

Flexibility

 

Jujutsu involves a lot of throws and grappling maneuvers. Anyone who watched the first five years of the Ultimate Fighting Challenge saw a quick pattern emerge. Brazilian Jujutsu (Gracie Ground Fighting) had the ability to simply flatten all the competition. Whether it was Kung Fu or Kickboxing, the second one of the Gracie brothers swept an opponent’s legs and got them on the ground it was only a matter of time before the fight was over.

 

Why?

 

Most of the other forms relied heavily on punching and kicking. So long as a contender remained standing, he was a formidable force. But, sweep his feet out from under him, get him flat on his back…and, well it was a very different story. The reason is twofold. Unless a person trains for it, the initial shock of being knocked off one’s feet can be paralyzing. Most people don’t know how to fall. When this type of person hits the ground, the impact slams his head, dazing him. The force knocks the wind from his lungs. Also, since he has spent no time training for what to do next, he’s rapidly out of his element with no offensive or defensive tactics at his disposal.

 

One fighter stands out in my mind—a boxer. This guy possessed amazing strength and speed. He managed to pummel his way through every opponent, but once up against a Gracie, found himself suddenly on the mat, helplessly twisted like a pretzel.

 

This same scenario played out for a few years, but then something interesting occurred. Anyone who intended to fight in the UFC began taking grappling classes.

 

I hate to say it, but very often conflict, whether it is with family, a loved one, or a coworker can very easily end up on the mats. Hopefully the tools in this blog will help you keep your wits when your feet get swept out from under you, and then provide skills to help you walk away unscathed.

 

Grappling (wrestling), remarkably enough, doesn’t require tremendous physical strength, but what it does require is flexibility. Being limber is key whether one happens to be on the offense or the defensive side. If you have a tight back, hamstrings, or shoulders, then a grappler can pin you more easily because it takes far less pressure to make you squeal and tap out. Conversely, if you are super limber, you have many more moves at your disposal to not only escape, but then to redirect the energy back onto your opponent.

 

How does this apply to relationships?

 

Gregory Hartley is a veteran military interrogator who holds honors in the United States Army. More recently, he has demonstrated his expertise with the Defense Intelligence Agency, Navy SEALS, Federal law enforcement agencies, and national television. Hartley is the coauthor of several books that apply the world of the interrogator to real life.

 

Hartley, in his book “How to Spot a Liar” explains how those individuals who are rigid and fixed in mindset and lifestyle are an interrogators dream. This person’s lack of mental and emotional flexibility makes them the easiest to rattle, frustrate, and finally break under questioning. Stress affects all humans, but the person who is unbending and inflexible is the most vulnerable of all.

 

This brings to mind Jack Nicholson’s character Melvin Udall in the 1997 film “As Good as it Gets.” Melvin suffers from severe obsessive compulsive disorder. He is very literally enslaved by his rituals, whether it is sitting at a certain table, having a certain waitress, or even locking the door a specific number of times when he enters his apartment. Any deviation from this ritual sends poor Melvin into an emotional tailspin or meltdown.

 

Now this might be an extreme example, but it gives us pause when we consider our own behavior and expectations when it comes to our relationships. How flexible are we when dealing with others? How do we react when our child wants to spend time with his friends instead of with us? How do we respond when a vacation doesn’t go as planned or a date derails an hour in? What is our reaction when a coworker fails to meet a deadline? Are we like Melvin, more concerned with things clicking along according to our plan, or do we “go with the flow?”

 

Grappling capitalizes on two fundamental truths. 1) Most people don’t know what to do when knocked on the ground. 2) Most people have poor flexibility. The same thing happens in relationships. How much better will we all withstand the emotional wrestling match if we are prepared? We have a far greater chance of getting back on our feet unscathed if we don’t get rattled when our feet are swept out from under us, and understand that emotional flexibility is our greatest asset.

 

Redirection

 

How many of you can think back to your days in high school driver’s education? Remember the simple physics lesson regarding a collision? If a car hits a wall at 40 mph, then it is an impact force of 40 mph. Yet, if a car traveling at 40 mph hits another car traveling at the same speed head-on we have an impact force now doubled to 80 mph. A bad fender bender has likely turned into an auto fatality.

 

Jujutsu understands that meeting an opponent with equal force is just a bad idea, and the moves frequently involve redirecting an aggressor’s energy.

 

Empathy is a very effective tool to redirect negative energy when faced with conflict.

 

First, a quick review…

 

In one of the first HC&HA blogs, we discussed the importance of ranking and repetition. When a person feels threatened, the natural instinct is to distance from the true cause of distress. People tend to rank priorities when they speak. Human nature is to assume the first item on the list is the most important. When my colleague Bob says he “needs my report on GB corporation, a time to discuss corporate training, and an idea of how many people might want to attend his DFW workshop” then it is pretty safe to assume the report on GB is what he deems most important.

 

Yet, as we studied earlier, conflict will change the nature of the ranking, and will reverse the order…because humans distance themselves from the negative. So when in an argument with your girlfriend, it is probably wiser to focus on the last item in the list because you understand that she has “backed into” the problem and needed time to divulge the source of her angst. Also, pay attention to what is repeated in the course of the conversation. This is a big clue as to what is really bothering her.

 

The ability to do this will depend largely on the capacity to not allow stress to get its claws into the situation. Interrogator Lesson Number One gives us a clear picture of what happens to us when stress levels get out of control.

 

*** Empathy will work best when we can ascertain the true reason the other person is upset.

 

No emotionally healthy person likes conflict. Often it throws up our defenses and we are quick to counter with a laundry list of why the other party is more at fault or more to blame or where this person has fallen short. But, remember the auto-collision example? When force meets force, the end result is never pretty.

 

So let’s say we maintain a cool head and are able to listen well enough to get to the root of the problem. In this situation, empathy is our friend. Most fights can be diffused rather quickly when the other party is given a chance to be heard and understood, regardless of whether we agree with them or not.

 

Communication is not only what we say, but how we say it and also how that information is then processed by the other person. In short, communication is a two-way street. If we say something that hurts another, we might not have meant it, but we do need to be aware that our phrasing, tone, or inflection is being filtered through the other party’s baggage and current state of mind. What is vital to understand is that the other person is distressed. That is reality. In order to keep the situation from escalating, we have to deal with the current situation as it presents.

 

This person is hurt and needs to feel understood.

 

We might not even be the source of the other person’s pain. But, we can quickly become one of we aren’t careful.

 

For example, Cindy’s mother really wants to buy a house. She has been in apartment living for ten years and misses having a yard and a place to call home. The problem is that Cindy’s mother had several years of bad health resulting in some pretty hefty medical bills and damaged credit. Since Cindy is in charge of her mother’s finances, this desire for a home has been a continual source of disagreement between them.

 

Cindy’s mother wants a home to call her own…immediately. Cindy believes this is a poor decision and thinks it is far wiser if her mother can wait, give time to pay off bills, put money in savings, and improve credit damaged during the time of her illness.

 

The next time conflict over this topic arises, Cindy has a choice. She can meet her mother’s force head-on using logic; giving a list of why her mother needs to wait on purchasing a home. Or, she can understand that her mother is dealing with an emotional need, and emotion and logic are rare companions. Entering a debate on the logic of an emotional desire is about the quickest way to start a fight.

 

This is where empathy can help.

 

The better approach would be for Cindy to sit down across from her mother and say, “I understand you don’t want to live in apartments any more. I can appreciate you wanting to have a garden and a place to call your own. Anyone would want that.”

 

Chances are, the conflict very well could stop right there. And before you roll your eyes, think how many times you were having a bad day or week and suddenly found yourself in a fight with a friend or loved one because all you really wanted to hear was, “I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. That must have been very disappointing.”

 

We’ve all been there. We didn’t want the other person to hit us with logic or want them to fix the problem. We simply wanted to be validated, and when we felt dismissed or ignored, the small problem suddenly escalated.

 

Lately I have spent a lot of time giving insight, tools and tactics for managing conflict. The reason for this is simple. Conflict is energy. It can either be destructive or constructive. Conflict, poorly handled, can destroy a marriage, alienate children from their parents, split apart a workplace, or throw an organization into a destructive cycle of infighting and blame-game. On the other hand, conflict, when well managed, can deepen relationships, build trust, and create unbreakable bonds.

 

By being flexible, we allow others room to have needs. Emotional flexibility gets us more easily back on our feet when our plans or agenda is kicked out from under us. By using empathy, we allow others permission to be vulnerable and not fear attack. Empathy repositions us as friend and ally.

 

We can’t control other people. We can only control our response. Often the knowledge that we have a choice is both empowering and comforting. These skills, like anything else, require practice, practice, and more practice until they’re second nature. And keep in mind, even the great military leader Sun Tzu understood that the pinnacle of skill rested in how well one could gain victory…without fighting at all.

 

Until next time…

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Verbal Jujutsu Part I

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—Verbal Jujitsu Part I

Jujutsu 柔術, literally meaning the “art of softness“, or “way of yielding” evolved among the samurai of feudal Japan as a method for dispatching an armed and armored opponent in situations where the use of weapons was impractical or forbidden. Due to the difficulty of dispatching an armored opponent with striking techniques, the most efficient methods for neutralizing an enemy took the form of pins, joint locks, and throws. These techniques were developed around the principle of using an attacker’s energy against him, rather than directly opposing it, and came to be known as jujutsu. (Skoss, 1995)

In an earlier blog, I mentioned my time as a Jujutsu instructor. At the time, I would have no way of knowing how much this experience would impact the way I communicated and dealt with conflict in relationships. But, first a little background so the concepts will make more sense.

As a teenager, I competed in Tae Kwon Do. But it soon became clear to me that this form held some very real shortcomings. First of all, TKD wasn’t really a great equalizer. At barely 5’4” (when the planets are in line and the moon’s gravitational pull it at its peak) and 135 pounds, I have serious limitations against a much larger, drunk, pissed off, or otherwise highly motivated attacker. Many of the moves (defensive or offensive) are going to land my opponent 1) dead (crushed windpipe) or 2) in the hospital with an injury that will haunt him forever (I.e. taking out a knee or crushing an instep).

On my way to becoming a Jujutsu convert, I explored other forms beyond TKD, some of them quite vicious in their methods, complete with techniques for gouging eyes and ripping out tracheas (yikes!)—obviously desperate tactics that should be reserved as a last resort.  Although I enjoyed martial arts as a sport, I held reservations about ever applying it in a real life situation, especially since, once a person becomes a black belt, the stakes are far higher. Not only could I be charged with assault, but it could be upgraded to “assault with a deadly weapon.” Then, there is the cold truth that we happen to live in a highly litigious society. Many people are looking for any excuse to sue.

Over time, I conceded that, if forced to defend myself against a far larger attacker, I was only going to be able to punch or kick so hard. And since, in a fight, adrenaline is running high, it is highly likely I would have to resort to tactics that could cause severe injury or even death—fertile soil for jail time or a law suit. No fun there.

So I continued my search.

Then one day I ran across Jujutsu. What I liked most was the practicality of the form—it provided options. Instead of meeting an opponent head-on, Jujutsu redirects his energy against him and capitalizes on the fragility of the joints. It only takes a few pounds of pressure to dislocate a wrist, shoulder, or elbow…regardless how big, drunk, high or angry the person. With Jujutsu, there were moves that, when a guy took a swing at me, I could 1) step out of the way 2) trap his hand as it passes then 3) turn in my body weight and apply pressure to the back of the elbow.

With Jujutsu I could follow through with the strike (ouch), but I could also choose to stop at a joint lock. This means that my 6’6” opponent is now bent forward and, if he fails to see reason, will have a badly dislocated elbow. His energy is neutralized. Any movement on his part only causes him a degree of pain. The great part, though, is I now have Junior in a position to calm down and listen to reason…and nobody has to walk away injured.

One of the reasons I love teaching the HC & HA tools, is I’ve made all the mistakes. In doing things the wrong way, I possess a lot of knowledge through hindsight. My brother has a great saying, “When the mind is stupid, the body suffers.” In martial arts, when I failed to listen, I paid the price, frequently with bumps, bruises, strains and breaks…reminders of my stubbornness or stupidity. In relationships, when I failed to listen or to use the proper approach, I also paid the price in hurt feelings, damaged friendships, strained trust, and injured loyalty. Translated, “When the mind is stupid, everyone suffers.”

To me, these are the worst injuries of all. But, the great news is that these sorts of wounds can be minimized in our lives with the application of the proper communication techniques.

In life, more specifically in conflict, there are three types of communicators. 1) Weak 2) Strong but Undisciplined 3) Strong but Disciplined. Most of us will find ourselves as the first two at different points in time. It’s only with certain learned skills and respect for stress that any of us can advance to the third type of communicator.

The weak communicator is either an avoider or an attacker. When faced with conflict, this person will generally do one of two things. The one side of the weak communicator is the person who will nod and agree until the other party runs out of steam. Yet, once the argument is finished, it isn’t really resolved. There’s no closure but a ton of resentment left to fester until it erupts again. The flip-side of the weak communicator is someone who resorts to verbal or actual fisticuffs. Someone provokes her and, since she cannot articulate, she makes her point by cursing, insulting and name-calling. She either emotionally or physically assaults the other party.

***Interrogator Lesson Number One explains how important it is to respect stress. When stress levels get too high, biological defense mechanisms short-circuits our higher thinking centers and tosses us into the primal. The reptilian brain only knows to scurry into a hole or strike.

The strong but undisciplined communicator, in my opinion, causes the most collateral damage. All of us have been in the fight with that person who could verbally toss us around like a rag doll. They have this way of turning everything we say against us and seem to know the one thing to say that strikes to the core of our being…often plunging us into reptilian brain thinking. We go from being normal logical people to foaming at the mouth raging lunatics.

This type of communicator may or may not be conscious of what he is doing. If this person is aware of his actions, then we are probably dealing with a sadist. If unaware, this is merely a person whose verbal gifts have a dark side being fueled by stress, a person who is also in reptilian thinking. The cerebral cortex (the governor of the tongue) has been removed and we may find ourselves 1) fighting out of our weight class if we have lost it to the point of resembling someone with Tourette’s or 2) going to the mattresses trading verbal punches with the same vicious ability.

The strong but undisciplined communicator has brutally effective verbal skills. Yet, their tactics remind me of the martial artist who gouges eyes, tears off ears, or rips out the trachea. Does it end the fight? Um…yeah. But there is permanent damage that’s gonna take a long time to heal, if it doesn’t kill the relationship right there.

There is a good reason to walk away from conflict. It gives us time to calm down and keep the governors on our tongue. When I used to teach Jujutsu I’d tell the students that the best way to win a fight was to avoid one. This doesn’t mean we ignore the issues, it means we are sane enough to appreciate when a situation is turning volatile. It is also a reason we allow others to walk away, that we give them time in another room, a long drive, or a night on the couch.

Conflict stinks, and all of us have a desire to end it as soon as possible. But we also should be aware of what endgame we desire. Predatory endgame pursues the person into the other room or out into the garage. The only goal is to end the fight because it will end the discomfort. And don’t feel bad. Unless you’re running for sainthood, all of us have made this error. We have either pushed or been pushed, and it is common knowledge that, when cornered, even a rabbit will bite.

The strong but disciplined communicator respects stress and chooses the choke hold over the snapped neck. He redirects his opponent’s energy and diffuses it. One of the first moves we teach in Jujutsu is the best way to not get punched is to simply step out of the way. Anyone who has seen a Stephen Segal movie has witnessed this maneuver. The strong but disciplined communicator knows that the best way to win a fight is to avoid one. What differentiates him from the weak communicator is that he returns later to address the core issues behind the conflict when everyone has had time to cool off.

HC&HA relies on all of us appreciating and understanding the effects of stress. When studying martial arts, there is tremendous emphasis placed on controlling emotion. That is why so many styles incorporate meditation. They understand it is the state of mind that makes the difference between dislocating an attacker’s shoulder and stopping the move at a joint lock. Similarly, even a master of Verbal Jujutsu can resort to the verbal equivalent of snapping a neck if the stress levels get too high.

Remember, practice makes perfect. In any form of martial arts, repetition is key. A white belt is probably not going to remember how to block the playground bully’s fist headed straight for his nose. But, by the time he’s done that move a few thousand times, it becomes as natural a reaction as blinking. The same holds true for these techniques. It is a process of practice and failure until is second nature. And life throws more than enough conflict our way to get lots and lots and lots of practice J.

Yet, reality is that escape isn’t always an option. There are other tactics used by the skilled but disciplined communicator. Want to know how to neutralize and diffuse conflict when evasion is impossible??? Find out in the next Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas J.

Until next time…

Footnote:

Skoss, Meik (1995). “Jujutsu and Taijutsu“. Aikido Journal

 

 

 

 

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Endgame Expanded

Endgame Expanded

 

Next week I will return to “Interrogator Lessons,” but after some recent events, it seemed to me that endgame needed more attention.

 

In “Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—VI” we discussed what I believe to be the third component of human interaction—endgame. The blog broke endgame into three types—ideal endgame, predatory endgame, and mutable endgame. For the sake of brevity, I have reposted this blog for easy reference and review.

 

The response to Endgame was mixed. Sometimes I think we humans balk against simplicity, believing life has to be far more complex than it really is. Yet, Occam’s Razor states, “All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.” And I feel that, even in relationships, the law of parsimony stands true. I believe it is our desire to make things complicated that often undermines even the best-laid plans of mice and men.

 

I created the blog series Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas to share my unique skill set to help the reader “unearth” the true intent and motivations behind his actions. If we don’t know our end destination or our purpose for the journey, it is easy to digress and become lost. We all have agendas. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. Yet, so often we are unaware of our intent, of the emotions driving us, and therein is where problems arise.

 

But I believe I need to offer this caveat. Humans, although not necessarily complex, are very dynamic. Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They are fluid and shift continually, often in response (or reaction) to outside forces. Our position on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is rarely static.

 

I can wake up in the morning sitting squarely near the top of the pyramid. At this point, life is good. I have food, safety, shelter (Tier One—Basic Needs). My bills are paid, family is healthy, and everything at work is running like a well-oiled machine (Tier Two—Need for Security). I have a great guy who thinks I’m the bee’s knees (Tier Three—Friendship, Family, Intimacy). Because everything is going so great, I am able to find a nice comfy seat on Tier Four (Self-Esteem, Confidence, Respect of Others). Who isn’t confident when life is grand? At this point, I’m thinking Tier Five (Self Actualization) should be a done deal by lunchtime.

 

Oh, but one problem…life. When our world is running too smoothly, all of us feel that twinge of, “All right. When is all hell going to break loose?”

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Endgame Reposted

In Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas—Part IV, I asserted that there existed three main components to human socialization—Analysis, Manipulation, and Endgame. Part IV addressed Analysis, Part V cleared the murky waters of Manipulation, and the purpose of today’s blog is to discuss Endgame.

 

In chess, the endgame refers to the stage of the game where obstructions separating one from the goal have been removed and victory is at hand. Skilled chess players often do this in a matter of a few moves. Highly skilled players do this in less.

 

Throughout this series I have emphasized repeatedly the importance of goal-setting. How well you’ve done this will, ultimately, be reflected in your positioning when it comes down to the endgame. Most individuals never reach this stage because, too often, the game ended prematurely due to poor preparation or misguided motives.

 

Analysis is where you learned the pieces, where you were taught to study the board as a whole.

 

Manipulation is where you learned the strategy for efficient maneuvering. It taught both defensive and offensive options to keep you in the action until this point.

 

Endgame is where everything comes together.

 

Now, if you paid attention and followed directions, you did a self-assessment and wrote down your goals. These are critical steps for reaching the endgame because you became aware of the players, pieces, rules and object of the game.

 

To illustrate…

 

What if I set before you a board with printed squares, and then I handed you little plastic pieces, and a deck of cards, and a few die and then said, “Okay, let’s play?” You’d, of course, be utterly confused, and rightly so. I gave you no parameters, didn’t tell you what the plastic pieces were or what they did, gave you no insight into the cards and their functions and then…die? You’d probably be thinking, “What is this, Dungeons and Dragons meets Sorry?”

 

Yet, too often this is the case in relationships. What one hopes to avoid is what I’ll call the predatory endgame. The purpose of all these tools is to help you create wonderful relationships by setting up win-win situations. This is why 1) it is critical for you to constantly assess your motivations and 2) it is imperative for you to understand the other player(s).

 

I’m going to break endgames into three categories: There is the ideal endgame, predatory endgame, and the mutable endgame.

 

Ideal endgame is—you guessed it—ideal. This is what happens when proper planning and hard work combine to produce the stated goal. And, hopefully, this will be the end result once you successfully apply the tenets of HC&HA.

 

First, a study in failure.

 

“‘Don’t do it this way’ is sometimes as important a lesson as ‘Do it this way.’”—Bob Mayer, Who Dares Wins 2005.

 

To understand success, often a lesson in failure is very enlightening. To illustrate, I will give a personal experience.

 

We’ll begin with an example of predatory endgame. I was younger and hadn’t yet had the life experiences that eventually would teach me the skills I’m now passing on to you. Yet, this is a vivid illustration I think you will find of value.

 

From a fairly young age, I was blessed to understand the value in setting goals in all areas of my life. This included writing a list of what my “ideal” mate would look like so I’d recognize him when he stumbled across my path. I was an honor student at T.C.U., had traveled extensively, was president of a half a zillion clubs and organizations, and had big dreams of taking the world by storm.

 

I met Dave (we’ll call him that to protect the innocent); a very handsome, successful man who’d worked on Capitol Hill and possessed political aspirations. We were perfect for each other. He was everything I wanted—good-looking, brilliant, articulate, ambitious, funny, etc. Both of us had a passion for politics and desired all the same things out of life.

 

It was fate.

 

The problem was that he’d gone through a nasty divorce. Anyone with one eye and half sense could see immediately he was far from being over the hurt. This man might as well have been wearing a T-shirt with “Vulnerable” written across the chest.

 

Yet, here I’d found the perfect guy, and I was NOT about to let him go. Four years later, after countless fights and a ton of bad feelings, it ended…badly—scorched-land- salted-earth-Book of Exodus-badly. Because of my own selfish agenda, I poisoned what either a) might have grown into a wonderful romance or b) an amazing friendship with someone who would have been my fiercest ally in life.

 

This is not a mistake I intend to repeat.

 

Predatory endgames are a huge reason rebound relationships so often fail. One or both parties are trying to regain their footing higher up on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs using the other as a human step-ladder or, more accurately, a “relationship band-aid.” What do we do with band-aids once the wound heals? You got it. We throw them away.

 

Another point to notice…

 

The fact I was so fearful of my needs not being met that I was willing to resort to predatory endgame should have been a huge warning flag I was not operating from a functional level of Maslow’s Hierarchy. I should have noticed this fact so as to step back and reconsider the underlying causes of my insecurity. Was it school? Was it the stress of an uncertain future? Regardless of what the cause, a relationship driven by insecurity, by definition, is a relationship built on shaky ground.

 

So let’s assume we can manipulate the fabric of space and time and reverse the clock to October of 1997. Only now, I possess the tenets of Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas.

 

Now, I meet Dave. He is everything I ever wanted. Yet, because now I employ active questioning and active listening, I grasp rather quickly that Dave is in a rough spot. I now can make a choice because I understand the tenets of HC&HA as well as the moral imperative to always strive for the win-win. The beauty of these principles is the latitude they provide when dealing with other people.

 

As a side-note, how many of you have met the man or woman of your dreams only to realize you have the worst timing on the planet? How do you pursue in a manner that will eventually lead to ideal endgame? Tough question. The answer is simple, but the work is challenging.

 

Let’s continue on with our theoretical scenario.

 

Upon realizing Dave is in a rough spot, I back off to reassess the situation. I understand he’s resting squarely on the level of Maslow’s Hierarchy that commands for stability to be fulfilled before he can move up to the tier where he can have a healthy romantic relationship. Thus, my choices are as follows:

 

a)      I can walk away from what I’d envisioned as “the man of my dreams” and trust that another will cross my path, one who is ready for a romantic relationship. This is tough to do in that there is a temptation to ignore what I know to be true. Dave isn’t ready for a girlfriend.

 

b)      I can make the conscious decision that this person is worth an investment of time to see if ideal endgame can be reached. This is much tougher. Not only do I have to accept that Dave isn’t ready for a girlfriend, but I also must be satisfied if he never is.

 

So let’s make the assumption that I’m not willing to cut bait and try again. I see something of potential value and decide to stick it through. By understanding Dave needs stability and order, I promptly realize what Dave needs most is a friend; a true friend. I can now redefine my win-win.

 

Mutable endgame—I gain a valuable friend and Dave gets the emotional support he needs to heal from his divorce.

 

Now, this is a place where I must to be honest about my motives and very careful. If I merely “play” the role of the friend, I will have stepped back into predatory endgame. People can sense when someone is not genuine, and they will eventually react. To fulfill the HC&HA principles I will have to totally reframe how I view Dave. This doesn’t mean I can’t hope that this mutable endgame will not eventually shift to my ideal endgame, but I will, however, have had to be happy if friendship is all Dave will ever offer.

 

This is not the easy course of action because it requires me to look beyond the desire for love to place another’s needs as the priority. Because I am attracted to Dave, I will have to take an even more vigilant stock of my motives every step of the way to make certain my actions remain in alignment with the paramount goal—being Dave’s friend. This new mutable endgame must make the win-win the top priority. If I remain true in my motives and actions, this should produce one of two likely good endings.

 

One good ending…

 

Dave cherishes my friendship. He realizes how difficult it was for me to back off into a less desirable role. Time passes and I remain authentic in the friendship. Dave never feels pressure for romance and comes to appreciate my genuine attitude. Since often the best romances are birthed from friendship, this can still have a happy romantic ending.

 

But the best part is that, if it does, Dave will be making that decision from a healthy level of the hierarchy. By me fulfilling Dave’s need for order and stability as his friend, I will now be able to progress and fulfill his need for love as his mate.

 

Another good ending…

 

I gain a valuable friendship in Dave. Since I didn’t force my way into a losing relationship, when that emotionally available catch comes along, I am free to pursue.

 

Either way, mutable endgame will eventually translate into ideal endgame.

 

What I find most amazing about the underlying philosophy to Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas is that the principles hold universal application to all relationships.

 

Let’s take a moment and see how HC&HA applies to the workplace.

 

Frank has worked in sales for three years. His territory is small, but he thinks he’s capable of more. Thus he begins looking for a new job with his dream company. There are two openings. One is his ideal job. It comes with a sweet salary, an expense account, paid travel and a company car. The problem is that it is a far larger territory than he’s ever handled, and, if Frank is honest with himself, this job is way out of his league. There is another job opening for far less pay, fewer benefits, and less prestige…yet it is still with this dream company.

 

For the sake of argument, Frank is a very skilled interviewer. Additionally, he knows he can frame his background in such a way that he very likely could land the peach position. Now it is very easy to see all three possible endgames.

 

Ideal endgame—Frank finds the perfect job suited to his skills.

 

Predatory endgame—Frank pursues a position beyond the scope of his abilities. Because he’s a gifted interviewer, he’s able to convince the company he is the best choice. Time will reveal this is, in fact, not the case. Thus, Frank will end up tarnishing his reputation, and the company will feel as if they’ve been cheated.

 

Mutable endgame—Frank makes an honest self-evaluation. He realizes that his dream position at his dream company is simply beyond his skill set at the present time. Thus, he reframes his win-win. He sets aside his pride and applies for the less desirable position. Frank wins because he now works for his dream company. The company wins because they have the perfect guy in the perfect job where Frank will be an asset.

 

Again two likely scenarios will occur.

 

First, Frank shines in this position and gains valuable experience. Because the company is so impressed, they eventually move him up within the company and into his dream job.

 

Secondly, Frank shines in his new position. Another, even better company, hires him away. Since Frank didn’t bog himself down in a job that was over his head, he has a strong reputation that will be attractive to other employers. And, if/when he leaves the company, they will be sad to see him go, and no bridges have been burned.

 

Thus, mutable endgame now has translated into ideal endgame.

 

As I stated before, the beauty of the HC&HA tenets are that they cross-apply into all relationships. By setting goals, making continual evaluations, and always striving for the win-win, you will see dramatic improvement all round. The reason? Your motives will remain pure, and centered on bettering the other party.

 

Until next time..

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—Interrogator Lesson Number One

Lesson Number One—Understanding the Power of Stress

 

The key to HC & HA principles is a thorough understanding of self and others. Physiology is not to be underestimated. Stress can be a powerful adversary, but also a powerful tool when used correctly. Sort of like an ax, stress is a tool best used by someone who possesses skill steeped in respect.

 

I’ll expand on that later in Interrogator Lesson Number Two—Using the Power of Stress for Advantage.

 

First, Biology 101. Have you ever wondered why you can’t remember half of what you said after a fight? Wondered why it seems the only time you can’t find your keys is the day you’re late for work? Been curious why your I.Q. suddenly plunged to “functionally retarded” while on a date?

 

Yup. Stress. But how does stress make perfectly normal and otherwise bright individuals turn into instant idiots?

 

Basically, the same biological defense mechanisms that kept us alive hunting bison while wearing the latest saber tooth fashions are still at work today. The sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems work in tandem to regulate the conscious mind. Sympathetic gears us for fight or flight. Parasympathetic calms us down after we’ve outrun the bear…or finished that job interview.

 

In order for the sympathetic system to do its job effectively, it dumps all sorts of stress hormones into the body—DHEA, cortisol, adrenaline—to enable that super human strength, speed, and endurance required to survive the crisis. The problem is that the human body thinks in blanket terms and cannot tell the difference between fighting off a lion and fighting off an angry spouse. And one can see how those two could easily be confused J.

 

The human brain is divided into three parts:

 

Cerebral Cortex—higher thinking functions like language, meaning, logic.

 

Limbic/Mammalian Brain—used for experiencing emotions.

 

Reptilian Brain—cares only about food, sex, survival.

 

So before going any further, you are probably curious why I chose to look to interrogators for insight. I mean, they aren’t generally viewed as warm fuzzy people who could guide us in relationship success. But, I believe we can learn a lot from them.

 

Why?

 

Interrogators know stress, are agents of anxiety. Their understanding of stress and its effects allows them to maneuver individuals effectively to gain accurate answers to their questions. Good interrogators know why torture is often ineffective. A brain frazzled to the breaking point physiologically cannot access information contained in the cerebral cortex (higher thinking center). Thus, good interrogators manage stress. And so should we. This is why their insight is valuable to the rest of us mere mortals.

 

And for the purpose of this blog, I am referring to bad stress so there is no confusion. Good stress (such as a set deadline for a goal) is for another blog.

 

Modern life may not have as many literal lions and tigers and bears, but we are still bombarded with their figurative counterparts all day, every day. Just like an interrogator, it is a vital for all of us to understand stress and its effects. We also have to accept that stress will always be a part of life. Getting angry about it is about as productive as being ticked at gravity.

 

So, if stress will always be present, how can we use it to our advantage instead of becoming its unwitting victim? And anyone who has ever written that term paper the night before it was due knows stress can be quite helpful.

 

When stress hits, the body reacts within milliseconds. The sympathetic nervous system floods the body with hormones, increases heart rate, pulls blood away from digestive and reproductive systems, etc. And, most importantly for today’s lesson, diverts blood supply to the mammalian and reptile brain at the expense of the cerebral cortex. Apparently the body feels your witty repertoire of Nietzsche quotes are not real helpful in lifting a car off your child.

 

And, since the mammalian brain is in high gear, this explains why it is not uncommon to experience intense emotion while under stress. This is why crying, when confronted or angry, should not necessarily be perceived as weakness. It is also why, once you calm down, you frequently wonder why you were so upset to begin with…mammalian brain overtook logic. This is also why the gazillion action figures your child leaves littered across the floor suddenly becomes a capital offense two seconds after you accidentally set dinner ablaze. Your emotions have taken front and center stage and knocked logic into the orchestra pit.

 

Another interesting point…

 

When the sympathetic nervous system prepares you for fight or flight, your pupils dilate. The purpose of this is to take in as much information about a situation as possible. The problem is that, although you are seeing “more” you’re actually seeing “less.” The body is totally focused on the cause of the stress. This is why, when you’re running late to work, you see every clock in the house, but cannot seem to find your car keys.

 

This is an important lesson for all of us. HC & HA provides tools to create effective relationships. Understanding how stress affects our ability to think and even what we see is just as critical as knowing where we sit on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (discussed in HC & HA Parts Four through Six). It gives us perspective. But, more importantly, it frees us.

Now that we understand and respect stress, we have permission to go on vacation or truly take a day off. When bad stress piles up, we are physiologically are incapable of:

 

1) Being productive.

 

That manuscript will take 5 times longer to complete because you keep forgetting what you were writing. And while you’re chasing your train of thought, you will be beating your computer’s thesaurus function to death trying to find another word for “the.”  

 

2) Making clear decisions.

 

You won’t be making decisions from the logical part of your brain, so buying that corvette without telling your wife might actually seem like a bright idea.

 

3) Interacting in a healthy way with your fellow humans.

 

The new trees for your back yard might never get planted because your husband will be too busy plotting a way to bury you under them.

 

So be aware, and when the stress levels get too high. Take a breather.

 

Understand that it is okay to walk away and regroup. Just because someone confronts you does not necessarily mean you are required to adhere to their time schedule. In fact, it is best for all concerned that you don’t.

 

Additionally, this is yet another tool to help spot and avoid toxic people. Not to oversimplify complex psychological dynamics, but toxic people are brokers of stress. Whether or not they do it consciously, they thrive off an atmosphere teeming with anxiety.

 

An extreme example might be an abusive partner. Just about the time the battered wife knows she’s in a mess and plans to escape, the abuser does something that sends her right back into limbic/reptilian brain thinking that is incapable of strategy.

 

A lesser example is that person who is always a vortex of need—all of us know one. The person who’s always has some new drama or trauma guaranteed to kick up your stress levels and get you parting with $100 or a place to stay for a couple of weeks.

 

Have you ever wondered why toxic people don’t like you to have other friends/a network of support beyond him or her? An abuser doesn’t let the partner he’s using for a literal or emotional punching bag make friends. Toxic people don’t befriend you or date you.

 

They take you hostage.

 

And it’s for good reason. Keeping you in a constant state of stress is very advantageous to the toxic person’s agenda. Can’t have you thinking too clearly. Might realize you’re making dumb decisions. And worse, might change things.

 

In the earlier blogs, I discussed the importance of active questioning and listening. Thus, when you’re out on the town and meet that hot guy, but then all he does is talk about his ex-girlfriend, how he lost his job, and his dog died…RUN!!! Don’t give him excuses or feel sorry for him. Do not be fooled by those disarming puppy dog eyes he flashes as he tells you he needs to fight for custody of his kids because his ex-wife is psychotic and he fears for the children’s safety.  While it all may be true, it is also a ploy to gut hook you and reel you into his agenda. 

 

Any of you happened to see The Neverending Story? Remember Atreyu struggling through the Bog of Despair while evil pursued? And he stays too long in the swamp and the horse succumbs to the hopelessness and sinks below the murk to its death? And all of us cried because it was super sad?

 

Yep. Same thing here.

 

Stick around toxic people too long and you risk getting sucked into your own Bog of Despair. 

 

And the most important lesson here is to respect stress. Respect its effects the way you should alcohol. Why do we make certain to have a designated driver? Because when we’re sober, we think clearly and know that driving drunk is a very poor decision. Yet, the problem with alcohol is it removes our ability to think with the higher brain functions. Stress does the same thing. It limits/obliterates clear thought.

 

That’s why it is a very good idea to have people close to you whom you respect to step in and 1) force you to back away and take a break, 2) convince you to take a vacation, 3) give you a reality check, 4) take on some of the burden, 5) run interference with toxic people.

 

Handing the ball to someone you trust is a sign of prudence, not weakness, especially when dealing with toxic people. All of us have buttons, but fortunately, our buttons are different. Your mother-in-law who drives you to wanting to stand on rooftops with an automatic weapon might not remotely bother your wife or best friend or pal from church. Let them deal with her and then offer to reciprocate when they need a “heat tile,” as I like to call it.

 

Interrogators do the same thing. They take great care to keep a bead on their own levels of stress. Their colleagues also keep a watchful eye. If stress reaches a critical point, they know it is wise to turn a suspect over to another interrogator who is either in a better frame of mind, or not as riled by that particular suspect’s emotional assaults/levers.

 

And if these people who are the definition of toughness, yet their behavior demonstrates clear respect for stress and what it can do. We would be wise to follow their example.

 

Until next time…

 

 

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Part VI

In Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas—Part IV, I asserted that there existed three main components to human socialization—Analysis, Manipulation, and Endgame. Part IV addressed Analysis, Part V cleared the murky waters of Manipulation, and the purpose of today’s blog is to discuss Endgame.

 

In chess, the endgame refers to the stage of the game where obstructions separating one from the goal have been removed and victory is at hand. Skilled chess players often do this in a matter of a few moves. Highly skilled players do this in even fewer.

 

Throughout this series I have emphasized repeatedly the importance of goal-setting. How well you’ve done this will, ultimately, be reflected in your positioning when it comes down to the endgame. Most individuals never reach this stage because, too often, the game ended prematurely due to poor preparation or misguided motives.

 

Analysis is where you learned the pieces, where you were taught to study the board as a whole.

 

Manipulation is where you learned the strategy for efficient maneuvering. It taught both defensive and offensive options to keep you in the action until this point.

 

Endgame is where everything comes together.

 

Now, if you paid attention and followed directions, you did a self-assessment and wrote down your goals. These are critical steps for reaching the endgame because you became aware of the players, pieces, rules and object of the game.

 

To illustrate…

 

What if I set before you a board with printed squares, and then I handed you little plastic pieces, and a deck of cards, and a few die and then said, “Okay, let’s play?” You’d, of course, be utterly confused, and rightly so. I gave you no parameters, didn’t tell you what the plastic pieces were or what they did, gave you no insight into the cards and their functions and then…die? You’d probably be thinking, “What is this, Dungeons and Dragons meets Sorry?”

 

Yet, too often this is the case in relationships. What one hopes to avoid is what I’ll call the predatory endgame. The purpose of all these tools is to help you create wonderful relationships by setting up win-win situations. This is why 1) it is critical for you to constantly assess your motivations and 2) it is imperative for you to understand the other player(s).

 

I’m going to break endgames into three categories: There is the ideal endgame, predatory endgame, and the mutable endgame.

 

Ideal endgame is—you guessed it—ideal. This is what happens when proper planning and hard work combine to produce the stated goal. And, hopefully, this will be the end result once you successfully apply the tenets of HC&HA.

 

First, a study in failure.

 

“‘Don’t do it this way’ is sometimes as important a lesson as ‘Do it this way.’”—Bob Mayer, Who Dares Wins

 

To understand success, often a lesson in failure is very enlightening. To illustrate, I will give a personal experience.

 

We’ll begin with an example of predatory endgame. I was younger and hadn’t yet had the life experiences that eventually would teach me the skills I’m now passing on to you. Yet, this is a vivid illustration I think you will find of value.

 

From a fairly young age, I was blessed to understand the value in setting goals in all areas of my life. This included writing a list of what my “ideal” mate would look like so I’d recognize him when he stumbled across my path. I was an honor student at T.C.U., had traveled extensively, was president of a half a zillion clubs and organizations, and had big dreams of taking the world by storm.

 

I met Dave (we’ll call him that to protect the innocent); a very handsome, successful man who’d worked on Capitol Hill and possessed political aspirations. We were perfect for each other. He was everything I wanted—good-looking, brilliant, articulate, ambitious, funny, etc. Both of us had a passion for politics and desired all the same things out of life.

 

It was fate.

 

The problem was that he’d gone through a nasty divorce. Anyone with one eye and half sense could see immediately he was far from being over the hurt. This man might as well have been wearing a T-shirt with “Vulnerable” written across the chest.

 

Yet, here I’d found the perfect guy, and I was NOT about to let him go. Four years later, after countless fights and a ton of bad feelings, it ended…badly—scorched-land- salted-earth-Book of Exodus-badly. Because of my own selfish agenda, I poisoned what either a) might have grown into a wonderful romance or b) an amazing friendship with someone who would have been my fiercest ally in life.

 

This is not a mistake I intend to repeat.

 

Predatory endgames are a huge reason rebound relationships so often fail. One or both parties are trying to regain their footing higher up on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs using the other as a human step-ladder or, more accurately, a “relationship band-aid.” What do we do with band-aids once the wound heals? You got it. We throw them away.

 

Another point to notice…

 

The fact I was so fearful of my needs not being met that I was willing to resort to predatory endgame should have been a huge warning flag I was not operating from a functional level of Maslow’s Hierarchy. I should have noticed this fact so as to step back and reconsider the underlying causes of my insecurity. Was it school? Was it the stress of an uncertain future? Regardless of what the cause, a relationship driven by insecurity, by definition, is a relationship built on shaky ground.

 

So let’s assume we can manipulate the fabric of space and time and reverse the clock to October of 1997. Only now, I possess the tenets of Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas.

 

Now, I meet Dave. He is everything I ever wanted. Yet, because now I employ active questioning and active listening, I grasp rather quickly that Dave is in a rough spot. I now can make a choice because I understand the tenets of HC&HA as well as the moral imperative to always strive for the win-win. The beauty of these principles is the latitude they provide when dealing with other people.

 

As a side-note, how many of you have met the man or woman of your dreams only to realize you have the worst timing on the planet? How do you pursue in a manner that will eventually lead to ideal endgame? Tough question. The answer is simple, but the work is challenging.

 

Let’s continue on with our theoretical scenario.

 

Upon realizing Dave is in a rough spot, I back off to reassess the situation. I understand he’s resting squarely on the level of Maslow’s Hierarchy that commands for stability to be fulfilled before he can move up to the tier where he can have a healthy romantic relationship. Thus, my choices are as follows:

 

a)      I can walk away from what I’d envisioned as “the man of my dreams” and trust that another will cross my path, one who is ready for a romantic relationship. This is tough to do in that there is a temptation to ignore what I know to be true. Dave isn’t ready for a girlfriend.

 

b)      I can make the conscious decision that this person is worth an investment of time to see if ideal endgame can be reached. This is much tougher. Not only do I have to accept that Dave isn’t ready for a girlfriend, but I also must be satisfied if he never is.

 

So let’s make the assumption that I’m not willing to cut bait and try again. I see something of potential value and decide to stick it through. By understanding Dave needs stability and order, I promptly realize what Dave needs most is a friend; a true friend. I can now redefine my win-win.

 

Mutable endgame—I gain a valuable friend and Dave gets the emotional support he needs to heal from his divorce.

 

Now, this is a place where I must to be honest about my motives and very careful. If I merely “play” the role of the friend, I will have stepped back into predatory endgame. People can sense when someone is not genuine, and they will eventually react. To fulfill the HC&HA principles I will have to totally reframe how I view Dave. This doesn’t mean I can’t hope that this mutable endgame will not eventually shift to my ideal endgame, but I will, however, have had to be happy if friendship is all Dave will ever offer.

 

This is not the easy course of action because it requires me to look beyond the desire for love to place another’s needs as the priority. Because I am attracted to Dave, I will have to take an even more vigilant stock of my motives every step of the way to make certain my actions remain in alignment with the paramount goal—being Dave’s friend. This new mutable endgame must make the win-win the top priority. If I remain true in my motives and actions, this should produce one of two likely good endings.

 

One good ending…

 

Dave cherishes my friendship. He realizes how difficult it was for me to back off into a less desirable role. Time passes and I remain authentic in the friendship. Dave never feels pressure for romance and comes to appreciate my genuine attitude. Since often the best romances are birthed from friendship, this can still have a happy romantic ending.

 

But the best part is that, if it does, Dave will be making that decision from a healthy level of the hierarchy. By me fulfilling Dave’s need for order and stability as his friend, I will now be able to progress and fulfill his need for love as his mate.

 

Another good ending…

 

I gain a valuable friendship in Dave. Since I didn’t force my way into a losing relationship, when that emotionally available catch comes along, I am free to pursue.

 

Either way, mutable endgame will eventually translate into ideal endgame.

 

What I find most amazing about the underlying philosophy to Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas is that the principles hold universal application to all relationships.

 

Let’s take a moment and see how HC&HA applies to the workplace.

 

Frank has worked in sales for three years. His territory is small, but he thinks he’s capable of more. Thus he begins looking for a new job with his dream company. There are two openings. One is his ideal job. It comes with a sweet salary, an expense account, paid travel and a company car. The problem is that it is a far larger territory than he’s ever handled, and, if Frank is honest with himself, this job is way out of his league. There is another job opening for far less pay, fewer benefits, and less prestige…yet it is still with this dream company.

 

For the sake of argument, Frank is a very skilled interviewer. Additionally, he knows he can frame his background in such a way that he very likely could land the peach position. Now it is very easy to see all three possible endgames.

 

Ideal endgame—Frank finds the perfect job suited to his skills.

 

Predatory endgame—Frank pursues a position beyond the scope of his abilities. Because he’s a gifted interviewer, he’s able to convince the company he is the best choice. Time will reveal this is, in fact, not the case. Thus, Frank will end up tarnishing his reputation, and the company will feel as if they’ve been cheated.

 

Mutable endgame—Frank makes an honest self-evaluation. He realizes that his dream position at his dream company is simply beyond his skill set at the present time. Thus, he reframes his win-win. He sets aside his pride and applies for the less desirable position. Frank wins because he now works for his dream company. The company wins because they have the perfect guy in the perfect job where Frank will be an asset.

 

Again two likely scenarios will occur.

 

First, Frank shines in this position and gains valuable experience. Because the company is so impressed, they eventually move him up within the company and into his dream job.

 

Secondly, Frank shines in his new position. Another, even better company, hires him away. Since Frank didn’t bog himself down in a job that was over his head, he has a strong reputation that will be attractive to other employers. And, if/when he leaves the company, they will be sad to see him go, and no bridges have been burned.

 

Thus, mutable endgame now has translated into ideal endgame.

 

As I stated before, the beauty of the HC&HA tenets are that they cross-apply into all relationships. By setting goals, making continual evaluations, and always striving for the win-win, you will see dramatic improvement all round. The reason? Your motives will remain pure, and centered on bettering the other party.

 

Until next time..

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Part V

In Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas—Part IV, I asserted that there existed three main components to human socialization—Analysis, Manipulation, and Endgame. The purpose of today’s blog is to discuss Manipulation. But, before we go any further, I think it is best to give a couple of definitions for clarity.

 

Manipulate is defined in Webster’s as to manage or influence shrewdly or deviously.

 

Manipulation is defined as the act of manipulating or the state of being manipulated.

 

Shrewd is defined as 1. Having keen insight: ASTUTE 2. Artful and cunning.

 

Devious is defined as not straightforward: SHIFTY.

 

Now, the first observation I made (being the artful cunning person I am) was that the definitions regarding manipulation fractured dichotomously (in two). Notice the split. In the first, there is a choice to influence a) shrewdly or b) deviously. In the second, one can a) manipulate or b) be manipulated. I think this is an interesting point to observe, because it is highly applicable to our lesson for today.

 

We all manipulate. Unless you are in a room by yourself or stranded on a desert island, it is impossible not to manipulate. Notice the first definition basically was a statement of reality. Either a) you’re manipulating or b) you’re being manipulated. Notice there wasn’t a third choice of live in your closet forever.

 

Manipulation, in and of itself, is not inherently bad. What can be bad is the motive behind the manipulation—is it shrewd or devious? This is why the self-analysis is so important. Take time to thoughtfully assess the motivations behind your interactions. Sometimes, they will surprise you if you dig deep and pull back the layers.

 

Since all of us were babies, we’ve been manipulating. The first time we noticed the word “Ma-Ma” or “Da-Da” elicited a far better response than any of our other snorts, gurgles, or shrieks, we were hooked. We rapidly learned that “shit” made Dad laugh, but didn’t go over so well with Mom. That’s when we learned to choose our audience and vary our tactics (until the gig was up and it didn’t work so well for us anymore).

 

By toddler-hood, we’d become experts at categorizing information. For instance, whenever we scraped a knee, we noticed that upping the amperage on the tears either a) earned us doting attention and a cookie—good for use later, or b) a swat on the tush and a sharp admonition about some boy who cried wolf, whoever the hell he was—not good for use later. Finger-painting the paper—good. Finger-painting the dog—bad. So forth and so on.

 

Thus, over the course of our development, we collected and categorized information based on experience. This information was then defined by social parameters, value systems, and cultural norms.

 

For instance, I come from a Northern European family who are not particularly demonstrative of emotion. That was why when I broke my ankle, it elicited an, “Oh—insert choice expletive here—I need to go to the emergency room” instead of a dramatic display of howling tears (frankly, my parents would have killed me). My mother, strong Scandinavian woman she is, also happens to be a nurse. When I was a kid, she refused to allow us to fall apart when injured—made us triage the injury. Thus, my “information” was shaped by these parameters of culture, background, and values. I learned what was acceptable and unacceptable through series of trial and error, just like you did.

 

Thus, we have established that all of us are either a) manipulating b) being manipulated or c) in denial. The problem, as I stated earlier, is not manipulation. The problem is that people who deny they’re manipulating are doing themselves a disservice. First, because you cannot assess what you fail to address. It is impossible for you to decipher motivations behind something you don’t believe you’re doing. Secondly, since you are not cognizant of your actions, you cannot strategize, which will severely hinder success.

 

The purpose of this blog is to make you a master at communication with the purpose of creating fulfilling relationships. This said, I’m going to be blunt. The tactics I’ll teach you (more so in the book) will give you amazing skills for getting what you want. But, I must add a caveat. You will reap what you sow. Plant deviousness and deception, and I don’t want to be around at harvest time. You’ll deserve what you get.

 

Moving on…

 

Once you do your self-analysis (weaknesses, strengths, blind spots, goals, fears) you will be better prepared to manipulate people and circumstances in a positive direction. Now, you will graduate from random manipulation to skilled maneuvering.

 

Skilled Maneuvering is a tactic for getting what you want while creating win-win results. Basically, it is the ability to move people up or down on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, depending on what you wish to accomplish. In the book, I will teach you how to profile people. That is a critical skill to learn if you wish to be successful in relationships.

 

Maslow’s Hierarchy states that humans travel along a hierarchy of 5 needs. Each level has to be satisfied in order to progress to the next tier.

 

Biological and Physical Needs Basic life needs such as air, food, water, shelter, warmth, sex, and sleep——àSafety Needs Protection, safety, law, order, limits, stability, etc.———àBelongingness and Love Needs Family, affection, relationships, work groups and so on—-à Esteem Needs Achievement, Status, responsibility, and reputation—————-à Self-Actualization Personal Growth and fulfillment.

 

Thus, if one understands that human beings cannot progress to the next level of the hierarchy without fulfilling the ones below, this offers amazing insight.

 

For instance, if you want to date (and I am going to assume you have profiled yourself), then you need to employ active questioning/listening to assess where the other person is positioned on the Hierarchy of Needs. Profile them and assess your strategy—Acquisition Plan or Exit Plan.

 

For you men out there, if you flirt with a pretty lady and she confesses she is in the middle of a nasty divorce/custody battle, then she is probably sitting on Level One, and Level Two (need for safety, limits, stability) is likely unfulfilled. These are dangerous waters. This means if you go out with her, the motive behind her attraction to you will be birthed from a need for stability and order, NOT a need for a fulfilling relationship. To use a technical term—this is bad juju.

 

I think this is why it is so important for people to take time to heal after ending a love relationship. You are not operating off the ideal tier of the hierarchy and this will color any relationships you create—again, why it is imperative to profile yourself FIRST.

 

Employ this tactic and you graduate from playing Relationship Tiddly Winks to playing Relationship Chess. By employing random manipulation (which is what most people do) you’re operating with a limited field of vision. All you see is a pretty woman who is responsive to your flirtations. The questions you ask more closely resemble “What’s your favorite kind of music?” as opposed to any meaningful questions which would allow you to 1) gather valuable data 2) assess her ranking on the hierarchy and then 3) formulate your strategy—Acquisition or Exit.

 

By utilizing skilled maneuvering, you become keenly aware of your own positioning, but, more importantly, you now are aware of the other person’s positioning in relation to your own.

 

***Remember they are manipulating, too.

 

Use skilled maneuvering to get what you want by moving people up, down, or down then up the hierarchy of needs. I am going to give examples of all three, and, to keep this simple, we will assume the person doing the maneuvering is at least beyond the second tier of the hierarchy.

 

Example One—Moving Others Up the Hierarchy

 

Sheila is an active philanthropist who meets Frank, a man she’d like to date. By employing active questioning/listening, she has assessed that he is a stable guy, never married, has lived in the same house for three years. He likes his job and gets along with his family. In the course of conversation, she discovers that, although Frank enjoys his work, he feels guilty he isn’t doing more for his community.

 

She can assess this by asking if he volunteers and then gauge his response accordingly. If she gets a negative response, then she knows to move on. If Frank doesn’t share her philanthropic passion then this is a potential point of conflict/waste of time. Yet, when she hears that Frank feels a need to serve, she now knows the next level of the hierarchy for Frank. She also knows this is a need she can fulfill by suggesting he visit her Optimist Club. Sheila has now positioned herself as a strong dating candidate for Frank because she fulfills an unmet need.

 

Example Two—Moving Others Down the Hierarchy

 

This tactic is highly useful for shutting down conflict and creating closeness in relationships.

 

Sarah’s sister Becky is a single mother who is dedicated to her career. Sarah has always supported sister’s career by watching her children, loaning her money, and picking up any slack left by Becky’s busy schedule.

 

Becky climbs the corporate ladder and is making good money. She’s also winning awards and accolades for her achievements. Yet, Sarah suddenly notices her sister has time to socialize with her “job friends” but only calls her when she needs someone to pick up Timmy from soccer practice. Sarah feels she is being taken for granted, and this is the beginning of a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Since Becky is sitting up in the Esteem Needs section of the hierarchy, Sarah must bump her down. Next time her sister calls in a panic because she needs a last-minute babysitter, Sarah needs to not answer the phone. This should effectively bump Becky down into needing the Belongingness and Love Needs to be fulfilled. Hopefully, this tumble down the hierarchy will teach Becky not to be so flippant in regards to how she treats her sister, and they can progress in a functional, healthy direction.

 

Example Three—Moving Others Down then Up the Hierarchy

 

This strategy is a wonderful tool in sales, and I’ll give a personal example.

 

I used to work in packaging and sold what is called corner board. Corner boards are thick boards of paper used to stabilize pallets and keep them from collapsing. Corner board made improperly can crumple, and then we have a pallet of ruined product, or worse, a smooshed warehouse worker and a hefty lawsuit.

 

Employing active questioning/listening, I would assess whether or not the company I was trying to sell my product ever had a pallet collapse. If they hadn’t, I would show pictures I’d taken of mangled products in other warehouses from corner board failure. This often moved the buyer down from the Belongingness tier into the Safety Needs tier.

 

He no longer was as confident this couldn’t be a picture taken in his own warehouse. All I needed to do was mention, “Yeah, it’s a good thing no one was standing in that spot when all those computers toppled” and suddenly I had a worried buyer. But, then I’d mention how long our company had been in business, how we had a reputation for quality and applied rigorous standards of inspection, and—voila!—I’d effectively moved this fellow back up the hierarchy, and boy was he happy to be back.

 

Now you realize how important it is to face your manipulative nature and embrace it for the positive. All these tactics can be employed to create win-win situations. Sheila and Frank can marry and live happily ever after. Sarah and Becky can have a rich sister-sister relationship based on respect. And I was able to sell good product to good people because I’d witness pallets collapse, and I happened to genuinely believe in my product.

 

I hope all of you will now graduate from using random manipulation to employing skilled maneuvering to create wonderful relationships based on mutual respect.

 

Until next time.

 

 

 

Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas–Part Four

The purpose of this blog is to make you into a better communicator and, by proxy, improve your relationships. This said, for you to truly grow in this process, it is imperative to abandon preconceptions and set aside what you think you already know.

 

To illustrate…

 

When I was in college, I worked as a full-time Ju-Jitsu instructor. This might sound glamorous, but it pretty much involved getting the crap kicked out of me for five hours a day. Why? Because I was the teacher, and newbies don’t know how to fall yet without breaking. And, since most people do not have the discipline to study martial arts long-term, this meant I always had a class full of enthusiastic amateurs who’d seen far too many Steven Segal movies. Now, Ju-Jitsu involves A LOT of throws and joint locks. Students learn by doing. And who were they “doing it” on?

 

You guessed it. Me.

 

So, why do you think I shared this tidbit of information (other than it’s kinda cool)? Two reasons. First, the best students were the ones who were unafraid to admit they were ignorant. Secondly, they had to abandon preconceived notions or risk getting seriously injured. Most people find it hard to believe that a 5’3”, 115 pound female can throw a 6’5”, 235 pound male. Yet, if the student cannot suspend disbelief, then they will hesitate at critical points that can get them hurt.

 

***Momentum and low center of gravity are key to most throws. Any hesitation along the arc effectively neutralizes the inertia necessary for successful completion of the move.

 

This series, for you, is training. You are honing your skills in navigating the shark-infested waters of human relations. In order for you to get the best results, you have to be open to the lesson. Why the caveat? Because some things I will address are likely to make you uncomfortable.

 

All the fancy trappings aside, humans are animals. To put it more accurately and perhaps more bluntly, we are pack animals. Thus, we are in a continuous process of jockeying for position. Analysis, Manipulation, & Endgame are three integral components of human socialization. To keep this blog from being far too long, I will address only the first one today—Analysis. 

 

 

“It is said that if you know your enemies and you know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies, but you do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.”—Sun Tzu, “The Art of War”

 

 

I think one of the biggest problems individuals have in creating solid relationships is a lack of proper analysis. If life is a game, what game are you playing? Do you view human interaction like a chess match, or are you shooting Tiddly Winks? You can laugh all you like, but how many people do you know approach romance/career as a game of numbers as opposed to a game of strategy?

 

Moving on…

 

Our buddy Sun Tzu brought up the three critical nodes of human interaction:

 

1)      Know yourself.

2)      Know your enemy.

3)      Know both yourself and the enemy.

 

First, how many of you reading this truly know yourself? Have you taken time to write down your strengths and weaknesses? Have you asked others whom you respect for input on your strengths and weaknesses? What are your goals for life, career, or love? Have you written them down? On what points will you or will you not be open to compromise? Do you even know? What type of person would make the best compliment to your strengths/weaknesses? What sort of career would make the most of your talents? If you haven’t already done this, today is a good time to begin.

 

As an illustration:

 

Have you ever seen someone driving through a city with no clear idea of where they are going? They sort of weave back and forth. Their speed is inconsistent. They make random stops and starts that frustrate anyone in close proximity.

 

Contrast that with the person who printed off a map ahead of time and made a clear list of landmarks that would indicate they were on the correct path. I guarantee there is a marked difference in the confidence/speed/maneuverability of the latter.

 

Which driver are you?

 

Secondly, know your enemy—or, for the purposes of this blog, know your goal. What is it you want? What are you going to have to do/give up/take on to get it? Do a cost-benefit analysis (that word again). Is the energy you will expend going to be worth the prize?

 

Now that you know yourself (strengths, weaknesses, needs, values, etc.) and you know your enemy (goal), you are ready for stage three…knowing yourself and your enemy on the battlefield.

 

Once you have established the above criterion, you will have far better chance at becoming what I call, the skilled conversationalist. The skilled conversationalist directs the conversation and employs strategy to rapidly gain valuable insight and avoid wasting precious time/resources.

 

How many times have you been part of a conversation and actively questioned the other party? The skilled conversationalist knows how to guide the topics to gather what are called “source leads.” Source leads are a culmination of facts, opinions, and reactions that can serve as vital information.

 

I’ll give you a for instance.

 

Karen’s pals, one night, decide to take her out on the town. A handsome, well-dressed guy named Matt approaches and begins a conversation.

 

Now, our girl can bat her eyelashes and fly along with whimsy and feelings. Or, she can be an active conversationalist and avoid wasting precious time by gently introducing topics and then paying attention to body language.

 

For instance, she might ask, “Where did you go to school?”

 

Most people with a college degree will answer what university they attended. However, if Matt says, “Such-and-such High School,” then she knows with fair certainty he lacks a formal degree. If possessing an advanced degree is a must for Karen (we are assuming she has done a self-evaluation—know yourself), then she can politely extract herself from the conversation without any hurt feelings.

 

But, let’s take this a step further…

 

What if Karen doesn’t care if the person has a formal degree, but has dealt with males who felt insecure because of her level of education? She can quickly “test the waters” by paying close attention to the sentences following her question. This is part of knowing the enemy (goal).

 

There is a big difference between:

 

a)      “I went to Such-and-such High School. I never did get why a degree is so important. I mean most of that stuff you’ll never use anyway.”

 

b)      “I went to Such-and-such High School. My passion is working with my hands, so I decided to start my own custom cabinet business after graduation.”

 

Analysis makes the critical difference. Karen is now able to save a lot of time and needless arguments by quickly delving into the heart of the matter and terminating any further progress along a romantic path if certain vital criteria are not met—knowing both herself and the enemy (goal).

 

If Karen has done her self-evaluation and determined she is only willing to date men who are degreed, physically active Christian males, then she has three clear areas where she can discreetly steer the conversation and run down her checklist. Karen’s groundwork can more effectively help her hone in on the right guy while avoiding relationships that, frankly, are doomed from the start.

 

***Note–It is NOT NICE to play Tiddly Winks with other people’s feelings/resources.

 

Recall what I said earlier about abandoning preconceived notions? Applying a strict checklist to romance might sound cold, and active questioning might seem crass. I mean, where is the passion? Yet, I believe that, in the end, this type of sorting process is the greatest way one can demonstrate respect for another human being. Not only are you saying your time is valuable, but you are also acknowledging the other person’s time is equally valuable.

 

This sort of analysis (checklists/active questioning) applies to your professional life as well. By taking time to employ strategy, you will be able to focus on finding a job/career you find fulfilling. Additionally, you save employers from wasting valuable time and energy they could have spent developing someone more suited for their company. This engenders respect, the fulcrum of all relationships.

 

In Ju-Jitsu, hesitating mid-throw can severely injure you and the person going over your shoulder. Similarly, hesitation and uncertainty in relationships can be emotionally devastating. This is why it is so critical for you to “go to the mats” as prepared and focused as possible. To do this, you must employ analysis to yourself and to the situation. This way, you minimize the risk of injury to yourself and others, and maximize the opportunities for success for all parties concerned.

 

Until next time.

 

 

Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas–Part Three

Now we move on to the triad of communication—Repetitions, Omissions and the Personal Pronoun “I.”

 

You will need pen and paper for later.

 

Most people, whether they want to believe it or not, really are an open book. They will tell you all their needs, wants, fears, and desires, often without doing so consciously. This is why it is incumbent upon you to become 1) a good listener and 2) more aware of what you’re saying to others.

 

Repetitions are an invaluable way to understand what others find important. Pay attention during conversations, especially when you are first meeting another person. What did this individual take time to mention more than once? Did they mention it in virtually the same fashion? Or, has it shifted? Pay attention to any noticeable deviations.

 

***Remember. Our strongest defenses are built around our greatest weaknesses.

 

Discernable shifts usually indicate one of two things. Either the person is insecure about this topic, or they are being deceptive.

 

Let’s give an example:

 

John meets Lisa and thinks she’s cute. She seems receptive to his entreaties, so John asks, “Do you have a boyfriend?” Lisa says no, but then she mentions her “ex” boyfriend four more times in the next fifteen minutes.

 

****BIG WARNING FLAG****

 

Lisa can say she is single all she likes, but this in no way means she is emotionally available. Now, depending upon the context of the conversation, it would be pretty clear that Lisa is either a) broken up with her boyfriend, but the emotions are still unresolved, or b) she isn’t broken up at all, and only after the flirting ensued did Lisa begin to feel guilt. Lisa’s mentioning of her boyfriend multiple times is subconscious sabotage either way, and John would be a wise man to just leave well enough alone.

 

Omissions are the flip-side of repetition. What do people choose to leave out? Again, this generally means one of two things. Either said topic just is not at the top of the list of priorities, or this individual is deliberately leaving out information in order to control where the conversation leads (often with the purpose of being deceptive/evasive).

 

***Remember. People will naturally avoid the uncomfortable/painful.

 

If Greg goes on a date with Sarah (who he knows has kids) and yet she never mentions them the entire night, then that might be a point to note. If family is very important to Greg, but all Sarah talks about is her career, then this is a clear indication that, as a couple, they might not be on the same page. Perhaps Sarah is self-centered, and the children are merely trophies. Greg would have to focus on future conversations and study Lisa’s actions to gain more accurate insight. But, the fact that the children are “omitted” from conversation (when they really should be mentioned to some degree) is a red flag.

 

To take this to the next level…

 

Sarah might have led a very wild life when she was younger. Three children from three different fathers is an embarrassment for her. Although she loves her children dearly, she thinks Greg is a great guy and doesn’t wish him to think poorly of her. Thus, by omitting an uncomfortable topic (her children) she can steer the conversation toward her strengths (career) while delaying Greg knowing about her weakness. Perhaps she is hoping to forge a more solid friendship before delving into that subject.

 

Or, a not so nefarious example…

 

Sarah was married to a police officer killed in the line of duty. Even though it has been four years and she knows she needs to move on, she feels guilty and as if she is somehow “betraying” her deceased husband. She doesn’t mention the children because, again, she is steering conversation away from discomfort/weakness. She knows it is too soon to lay an emotional burden of this magnitude on a date and is being considerate.

 

***Not all deception is inherently bad.

 

Repetitions and omissions are not gospel. They are simply red flags that should give you pause to pay attention to what someone does and see if their actions are congruent with their words or lack thereof.

 

Now we move onto my personal favorite—the Personal Pronoun “I.” Did you know that it is impossible for you to lie in handwriting? Seriously. Sociopaths and nut jobs aside, the average person CANNOT lie in their handwriting, and I’ll prove it.

 

Take out that pen and pad and write (at normal flow) something you know to be true. For now, you can keep it simple.

 

I.e.: I could write, “I am a Texan.”

 

Now write something very far from the truth. I would write, say, “I am a Californian.”

 

Did you see what happened? On paper, my “I am a Texan,” would have close/normal spacing (because I am from Texas). Yet, when I write, “I am a Californian,” the spacing changes. It may look more like, “I   am    a Californian.” Why? Because my subconscious KNOWS this is NOT true. Remember, people have a natural tendency to distance themselves from the unpleasant (lies). The stronger the emotion attached, the more the spacing will shift.

 

For instance, if I tried to write “I love Bill (my ex from my college days),” it would look a lot like, “I         love       Bill.” My level of emotional discomfort will pitch once the sentence is tethered to a more emotionally charged topic.

 

Try it with your own past flames. Trippy, isn’t it? Your brain will not allow you to lie. You will find that you have to significantly slow your writing speed and “force” the spacing. Crazy stuff. I know.

 

Now, we can take this a step further.

 

***Remember. All people protect their “I.”

 

Thus, if this pronoun is omitted in the course of conversation, e-mail, whatever, then this is a signal that either a) this person is not ready to emotionally vest themselves this far yet, or b) the person is being (intentionally or unintentionally) deceptive.

 

So, if your girlfriend suddenly goes from consistently saying “I love you,” to only “Love you,” better take a look and see what is going on. This is a sign she is protecting her “I” and if you want the relationship to grow, you need to find out why that is. Are you doing something that is making her insecure? Are you demonstrating behavior that would make her feel loved? Is she showing signs of needing space? If you don’t pay attention, she’ll need her space, all right—and the other half of that sentence will be “without you in it.”

 

The “I” is the soft underbelly of communication. Thus, unless you are naïve/gullible (and I have been called that), the natural tendency will be to protect the “I”, either by spacing it out further or omitting it altogether.

 

I recently received a hand-written note from an individual I met at a conference:

 

It began with my name (spelled correctly, which is a good sign) and then said:

 

Enjoyed    meeting in   OK City!

 

Now, let’s keep in mind that this person took the time to 1) hand-write a note and to 2) deliberately use my name. Yet, the lack of “I” and the spacing tells me that this person is keeping me at arm’s length (which would only be logical to expect from someone you just met/barely know). Now, the exclamation point used at the end, is a VERY positive sign. When people take the time to punctuate, then they are certifying a truth. This person did enjoy meeting me.

 

***Remember. Emotionally healthy people protect their “I.” It is emotionally dangerous/unhealthy to wear your heart on your sleeve.

 

This concept is useful in all types of interactions. Have you ever been fired? Did they say, “I think this is not the best position for you?” Or, was it more like, “Management has noticed yada yada yada?” Bet you money it was the latter. People protect their “I” from uncomfortable situations. Plain and simple.

 

So what does all this mean to you? It means that communication is a two-way street. Knowledge is power. Be cognizant of what others are repeating and omitting. Pay attention to the context of the conversation and that person’s behaviors and make certain all are in alignment. This will save you an invaluable amount of time, particularly in dating.

 

Pay attention to your “I” and the “I” of others (if that made sense, lol). The “I” is valuable and should be safeguarded. Yet, there comes a time when vulnerability is necessary for relationship to thrive. Hopefully, that’s when it becomes a “we” but that is a topic for another day.

 

Until next time.

 

Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas–Part Two

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas Part One addressed mainly electronic media (I.e. e-mail) and how much insight one can gain just by slowing down and paying attention to what is said versus what is written. And, yes, there is a difference, which leads us directly to the next leg of your journey toward becoming a more effective communicator.

 

A little background before we begin…

 

I worked for some time as a technical writer for a forensic firm specializing in Questioned Document Analysis (Q.D.A.). It was my duty to write training manuals and guidelines so it would be easier to bring “new hires” up to speed when they came to work for the lab. In a world rife with fraud, forgery, identity theft and other nefarious criminal deeds, it is important to have people with the skills to put the guilty in jail and keep the innocent free. Thus, attention to detail is of the utmost importance.

 

I still remember the day I interviewed for the job. The lead investigator introduced himself and shook my hand. He requested that, before we went any further, he needed me to give him a handwriting sample. Although caught a tad off-guard, I took the ballpoint pen and pad of paper from his hand and complied by writing all the words/sentences he told me to write.

 

He said nothing (totally unnerving) and studied the paper for a few minutes while sipping his iced tea. Then, after what felt like an hour, he took a deep breath and proceeded to tell me everything about myself. And I mean EVERYTHING. Even that I’d had my wisdom teeth removed.

 

***There is a neurological hiccup created by certain surgeries that will affect the flow of certain letters.

 

I knew I had to get this assignment. I had to know how he’d done it.

 

Needless to say, he hired me, and I spent the next few months shadowing his every move. Although I could write an entire book about the fascinating aspects of Q.D.A., that really isn’t the purpose for this blog. Perhaps another time. Suffice it to say that Q.D.A. and graphology (the study of handwriting) taught me a lot about human nature and how we communicate.

 

You are probably curious how in the world handwriting can transfer over into the electronic media or verbal communication. I’ll tell you in one word—structure. Whether one is speaking, texting, writing an e-mail, composing a hand-written letter, the common denominator is the structure—how the sentence or sentences are put together.

 

In the spirit of brevity, we will address only one aspect of communication structure.

 

First and foremost is RANKING (our topic for today). How people rank things is amazingly telling. It reveals how this individual defines him/herself and also gives insight into what this person believes to be most important.

 

An example of a structure to define identity:

 

You meet Susan. Over the course of the conversation, she mentions (in this order) that she is “a mother, an R.N., and wife.” What does this mean?

 

A number of realities become clear. Obviously, Susan’s three-pronged validation is parent, profession, partnership. These three are important. In fact they are the most important things in her life. Why? Because they were the first facts she revealed in the course of communication.

 

Now let us take a closer look at the order. Susan mentions first that she is a mother. Obviously this is of number one importance. But, then her role as a mother is followed by her profession. This is of interest and can mean a number of things. Is she newly married and unaccustomed to thinking of herself as a wife? Is there tension in the marriage and her career is being used as a “buffer” in between? Notice again the ranking. Has she been married a long time, and she and her husband have drifted apart?

 

It is clear that Susan’s husband is still important. Why? Because he made the top three. It also appears doubtful there is any animosity between her and her husband. If there was, I doubt he would have made it that far up on the list. But, he isn’t first. This is a signal to listen for other telling details.

 

Thus, whenever someone says in an e-mail, phone call, etc. that they need your travel itinerary for the next week, the brochures for a potential client, and a cup of coffee from Starbucks, you know the ranking of importance. Now, if this individual mentioned coffee first, you see how the dynamics totally shift along with the tone. In the first, coffee is almost an afterthought. In the second, it now is of utmost importance.

 

So, when you are communicating to others, what are you really saying? How are you introducing yourself? Are you defining your “top three” in negative terms? “Hi, I’m Joe. Yeah, just got divorced and I’m in the middle of fighting for custody. But it seems women just don’t want a nice guy these days.” All I have to say is “gasp.”

 

And you laugh, but we have ALL done it.

 

Additionally, when you ask people to do something, are you ranking the items in correct order of importance? It is human nature to follow the order you have chosen. We will naturally assume if you mentioned it first, it is the top priority. This said are you taking enough time to understand what is most important? Or, are you saying/writing just anything and then feeling disappointed the person didn’t know to do blah-blah-blah before anything else.

 

Beware, though. Conflict will often reverse the order of importance. Unless you are a sociopath or a nut job, most people do not like conflict. They will do everything to distance themselves from what is really bothering them. Thus, when communicating under the cloud of conflict, be aware that most individuals will “back into” the problem.

 

Therefore when a guy’s girlfriend says, “I hate that you go out with the guys all the time, and you don’t call, and I don’t feel like I am a part of your life,” then he is fighting the wrong battle by wasting time addressing his time with the guys at all, let alone first. The real problem is this woman looking to connect.

 

Herein lays the rub.

 

Most people do not take time to sort through their anger/frustration/disappointment long enough to properly prioritize their issues. This is a tragic mistake when dealing with conflict in that you are giving your emotions the steering wheel (and emotions make lousy drivers). Thus, whether dealing with conflict at home, in the workplace, in romance, it is critical to take time to sort through the feelings, find the root issues, and then rank them in the proper order. If you make it a habit of flying off at the handle and spouting anything that scoots across your radar, then don’t blame others that your needs aren’t being met. It is unrealistic to expect people to read your mind.

 

***Remember. Humans will naturally assume if you mentioned it first, it is the most important.

 

What does all this mean? First, be aware how you are defining yourself/your needs. It doesn’t matter the medium; phone, e-mail, conversation, etc. Make certain you are framing your identity in positives. Remember our buddy Joe? It might even behoove you to do the following exercise.

 

Free writing is tremendously insightful. Take out a pen and pad. Do not take time to ponder your answers. Just go. Write down three words that define you. Now pay close attention to their order.

 

Remember the forensic analyst who took my sample? He wasn’t a mind reader. He merely paid attention. By asking me to define myself in three words, and then taking notice of their ranking (and whether they were positive or negative), he gained highly accurate insight into my driving forces.

 

Free writing can help you understand yourself. Write down your top three strengths. The first one will likely be what you really believe is your greatest asset. Why? Because people like talking about their strong suits. Now, write down your top three weaknesses. You might notice a shift. This list likely will be the opposite-side of the coin (the reciprocal). Since humans have a natural tendency to distance themselves from the negative, it is much more probable that the last item on the list is your greatest weakness and therefore deserving of more attention.

 

Use this tool for defining your needs in a conflict. Think of the situation then write down the top three/five/ten things that come to mind. Now that you understand how conflict can twist and warp your thoughts, you now can study the list closer. Is the first issue the real priority, or is it a “distancing” from the heart of the matter?

 

Until next time.