Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Verbal Jujutsu Part I

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—Verbal Jujitsu Part I

Jujutsu 柔術, literally meaning the “art of softness“, or “way of yielding” evolved among the samurai of feudal Japan as a method for dispatching an armed and armored opponent in situations where the use of weapons was impractical or forbidden. Due to the difficulty of dispatching an armored opponent with striking techniques, the most efficient methods for neutralizing an enemy took the form of pins, joint locks, and throws. These techniques were developed around the principle of using an attacker’s energy against him, rather than directly opposing it, and came to be known as jujutsu. (Skoss, 1995)

In an earlier blog, I mentioned my time as a Jujutsu instructor. At the time, I would have no way of knowing how much this experience would impact the way I communicated and dealt with conflict in relationships. But, first a little background so the concepts will make more sense.

As a teenager, I competed in Tae Kwon Do. But it soon became clear to me that this form held some very real shortcomings. First of all, TKD wasn’t really a great equalizer. At barely 5’4” (when the planets are in line and the moon’s gravitational pull it at its peak) and 135 pounds, I have serious limitations against a much larger, drunk, pissed off, or otherwise highly motivated attacker. Many of the moves (defensive or offensive) are going to land my opponent 1) dead (crushed windpipe) or 2) in the hospital with an injury that will haunt him forever (I.e. taking out a knee or crushing an instep).

On my way to becoming a Jujutsu convert, I explored other forms beyond TKD, some of them quite vicious in their methods, complete with techniques for gouging eyes and ripping out tracheas (yikes!)—obviously desperate tactics that should be reserved as a last resort.  Although I enjoyed martial arts as a sport, I held reservations about ever applying it in a real life situation, especially since, once a person becomes a black belt, the stakes are far higher. Not only could I be charged with assault, but it could be upgraded to “assault with a deadly weapon.” Then, there is the cold truth that we happen to live in a highly litigious society. Many people are looking for any excuse to sue.

Over time, I conceded that, if forced to defend myself against a far larger attacker, I was only going to be able to punch or kick so hard. And since, in a fight, adrenaline is running high, it is highly likely I would have to resort to tactics that could cause severe injury or even death—fertile soil for jail time or a law suit. No fun there.

So I continued my search.

Then one day I ran across Jujutsu. What I liked most was the practicality of the form—it provided options. Instead of meeting an opponent head-on, Jujutsu redirects his energy against him and capitalizes on the fragility of the joints. It only takes a few pounds of pressure to dislocate a wrist, shoulder, or elbow…regardless how big, drunk, high or angry the person. With Jujutsu, there were moves that, when a guy took a swing at me, I could 1) step out of the way 2) trap his hand as it passes then 3) turn in my body weight and apply pressure to the back of the elbow.

With Jujutsu I could follow through with the strike (ouch), but I could also choose to stop at a joint lock. This means that my 6’6” opponent is now bent forward and, if he fails to see reason, will have a badly dislocated elbow. His energy is neutralized. Any movement on his part only causes him a degree of pain. The great part, though, is I now have Junior in a position to calm down and listen to reason…and nobody has to walk away injured.

One of the reasons I love teaching the HC & HA tools, is I’ve made all the mistakes. In doing things the wrong way, I possess a lot of knowledge through hindsight. My brother has a great saying, “When the mind is stupid, the body suffers.” In martial arts, when I failed to listen, I paid the price, frequently with bumps, bruises, strains and breaks…reminders of my stubbornness or stupidity. In relationships, when I failed to listen or to use the proper approach, I also paid the price in hurt feelings, damaged friendships, strained trust, and injured loyalty. Translated, “When the mind is stupid, everyone suffers.”

To me, these are the worst injuries of all. But, the great news is that these sorts of wounds can be minimized in our lives with the application of the proper communication techniques.

In life, more specifically in conflict, there are three types of communicators. 1) Weak 2) Strong but Undisciplined 3) Strong but Disciplined. Most of us will find ourselves as the first two at different points in time. It’s only with certain learned skills and respect for stress that any of us can advance to the third type of communicator.

The weak communicator is either an avoider or an attacker. When faced with conflict, this person will generally do one of two things. The one side of the weak communicator is the person who will nod and agree until the other party runs out of steam. Yet, once the argument is finished, it isn’t really resolved. There’s no closure but a ton of resentment left to fester until it erupts again. The flip-side of the weak communicator is someone who resorts to verbal or actual fisticuffs. Someone provokes her and, since she cannot articulate, she makes her point by cursing, insulting and name-calling. She either emotionally or physically assaults the other party.

***Interrogator Lesson Number One explains how important it is to respect stress. When stress levels get too high, biological defense mechanisms short-circuits our higher thinking centers and tosses us into the primal. The reptilian brain only knows to scurry into a hole or strike.

The strong but undisciplined communicator, in my opinion, causes the most collateral damage. All of us have been in the fight with that person who could verbally toss us around like a rag doll. They have this way of turning everything we say against us and seem to know the one thing to say that strikes to the core of our being…often plunging us into reptilian brain thinking. We go from being normal logical people to foaming at the mouth raging lunatics.

This type of communicator may or may not be conscious of what he is doing. If this person is aware of his actions, then we are probably dealing with a sadist. If unaware, this is merely a person whose verbal gifts have a dark side being fueled by stress, a person who is also in reptilian thinking. The cerebral cortex (the governor of the tongue) has been removed and we may find ourselves 1) fighting out of our weight class if we have lost it to the point of resembling someone with Tourette’s or 2) going to the mattresses trading verbal punches with the same vicious ability.

The strong but undisciplined communicator has brutally effective verbal skills. Yet, their tactics remind me of the martial artist who gouges eyes, tears off ears, or rips out the trachea. Does it end the fight? Um…yeah. But there is permanent damage that’s gonna take a long time to heal, if it doesn’t kill the relationship right there.

There is a good reason to walk away from conflict. It gives us time to calm down and keep the governors on our tongue. When I used to teach Jujutsu I’d tell the students that the best way to win a fight was to avoid one. This doesn’t mean we ignore the issues, it means we are sane enough to appreciate when a situation is turning volatile. It is also a reason we allow others to walk away, that we give them time in another room, a long drive, or a night on the couch.

Conflict stinks, and all of us have a desire to end it as soon as possible. But we also should be aware of what endgame we desire. Predatory endgame pursues the person into the other room or out into the garage. The only goal is to end the fight because it will end the discomfort. And don’t feel bad. Unless you’re running for sainthood, all of us have made this error. We have either pushed or been pushed, and it is common knowledge that, when cornered, even a rabbit will bite.

The strong but disciplined communicator respects stress and chooses the choke hold over the snapped neck. He redirects his opponent’s energy and diffuses it. One of the first moves we teach in Jujutsu is the best way to not get punched is to simply step out of the way. Anyone who has seen a Stephen Segal movie has witnessed this maneuver. The strong but disciplined communicator knows that the best way to win a fight is to avoid one. What differentiates him from the weak communicator is that he returns later to address the core issues behind the conflict when everyone has had time to cool off.

HC&HA relies on all of us appreciating and understanding the effects of stress. When studying martial arts, there is tremendous emphasis placed on controlling emotion. That is why so many styles incorporate meditation. They understand it is the state of mind that makes the difference between dislocating an attacker’s shoulder and stopping the move at a joint lock. Similarly, even a master of Verbal Jujutsu can resort to the verbal equivalent of snapping a neck if the stress levels get too high.

Remember, practice makes perfect. In any form of martial arts, repetition is key. A white belt is probably not going to remember how to block the playground bully’s fist headed straight for his nose. But, by the time he’s done that move a few thousand times, it becomes as natural a reaction as blinking. The same holds true for these techniques. It is a process of practice and failure until is second nature. And life throws more than enough conflict our way to get lots and lots and lots of practice J.

Yet, reality is that escape isn’t always an option. There are other tactics used by the skilled but disciplined communicator. Want to know how to neutralize and diffuse conflict when evasion is impossible??? Find out in the next Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas J.

Until next time…

Footnote:

Skoss, Meik (1995). “Jujutsu and Taijutsu“. Aikido Journal