Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Endgame Reposted

In Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas—Part IV, I asserted that there existed three main components to human socialization—Analysis, Manipulation, and Endgame. Part IV addressed Analysis, Part V cleared the murky waters of Manipulation, and the purpose of today’s blog is to discuss Endgame.

 

In chess, the endgame refers to the stage of the game where obstructions separating one from the goal have been removed and victory is at hand. Skilled chess players often do this in a matter of a few moves. Highly skilled players do this in less.

 

Throughout this series I have emphasized repeatedly the importance of goal-setting. How well you’ve done this will, ultimately, be reflected in your positioning when it comes down to the endgame. Most individuals never reach this stage because, too often, the game ended prematurely due to poor preparation or misguided motives.

 

Analysis is where you learned the pieces, where you were taught to study the board as a whole.

 

Manipulation is where you learned the strategy for efficient maneuvering. It taught both defensive and offensive options to keep you in the action until this point.

 

Endgame is where everything comes together.

 

Now, if you paid attention and followed directions, you did a self-assessment and wrote down your goals. These are critical steps for reaching the endgame because you became aware of the players, pieces, rules and object of the game.

 

To illustrate…

 

What if I set before you a board with printed squares, and then I handed you little plastic pieces, and a deck of cards, and a few die and then said, “Okay, let’s play?” You’d, of course, be utterly confused, and rightly so. I gave you no parameters, didn’t tell you what the plastic pieces were or what they did, gave you no insight into the cards and their functions and then…die? You’d probably be thinking, “What is this, Dungeons and Dragons meets Sorry?”

 

Yet, too often this is the case in relationships. What one hopes to avoid is what I’ll call the predatory endgame. The purpose of all these tools is to help you create wonderful relationships by setting up win-win situations. This is why 1) it is critical for you to constantly assess your motivations and 2) it is imperative for you to understand the other player(s).

 

I’m going to break endgames into three categories: There is the ideal endgame, predatory endgame, and the mutable endgame.

 

Ideal endgame is—you guessed it—ideal. This is what happens when proper planning and hard work combine to produce the stated goal. And, hopefully, this will be the end result once you successfully apply the tenets of HC&HA.

 

First, a study in failure.

 

“‘Don’t do it this way’ is sometimes as important a lesson as ‘Do it this way.’”—Bob Mayer, Who Dares Wins 2005.

 

To understand success, often a lesson in failure is very enlightening. To illustrate, I will give a personal experience.

 

We’ll begin with an example of predatory endgame. I was younger and hadn’t yet had the life experiences that eventually would teach me the skills I’m now passing on to you. Yet, this is a vivid illustration I think you will find of value.

 

From a fairly young age, I was blessed to understand the value in setting goals in all areas of my life. This included writing a list of what my “ideal” mate would look like so I’d recognize him when he stumbled across my path. I was an honor student at T.C.U., had traveled extensively, was president of a half a zillion clubs and organizations, and had big dreams of taking the world by storm.

 

I met Dave (we’ll call him that to protect the innocent); a very handsome, successful man who’d worked on Capitol Hill and possessed political aspirations. We were perfect for each other. He was everything I wanted—good-looking, brilliant, articulate, ambitious, funny, etc. Both of us had a passion for politics and desired all the same things out of life.

 

It was fate.

 

The problem was that he’d gone through a nasty divorce. Anyone with one eye and half sense could see immediately he was far from being over the hurt. This man might as well have been wearing a T-shirt with “Vulnerable” written across the chest.

 

Yet, here I’d found the perfect guy, and I was NOT about to let him go. Four years later, after countless fights and a ton of bad feelings, it ended…badly—scorched-land- salted-earth-Book of Exodus-badly. Because of my own selfish agenda, I poisoned what either a) might have grown into a wonderful romance or b) an amazing friendship with someone who would have been my fiercest ally in life.

 

This is not a mistake I intend to repeat.

 

Predatory endgames are a huge reason rebound relationships so often fail. One or both parties are trying to regain their footing higher up on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs using the other as a human step-ladder or, more accurately, a “relationship band-aid.” What do we do with band-aids once the wound heals? You got it. We throw them away.

 

Another point to notice…

 

The fact I was so fearful of my needs not being met that I was willing to resort to predatory endgame should have been a huge warning flag I was not operating from a functional level of Maslow’s Hierarchy. I should have noticed this fact so as to step back and reconsider the underlying causes of my insecurity. Was it school? Was it the stress of an uncertain future? Regardless of what the cause, a relationship driven by insecurity, by definition, is a relationship built on shaky ground.

 

So let’s assume we can manipulate the fabric of space and time and reverse the clock to October of 1997. Only now, I possess the tenets of Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas.

 

Now, I meet Dave. He is everything I ever wanted. Yet, because now I employ active questioning and active listening, I grasp rather quickly that Dave is in a rough spot. I now can make a choice because I understand the tenets of HC&HA as well as the moral imperative to always strive for the win-win. The beauty of these principles is the latitude they provide when dealing with other people.

 

As a side-note, how many of you have met the man or woman of your dreams only to realize you have the worst timing on the planet? How do you pursue in a manner that will eventually lead to ideal endgame? Tough question. The answer is simple, but the work is challenging.

 

Let’s continue on with our theoretical scenario.

 

Upon realizing Dave is in a rough spot, I back off to reassess the situation. I understand he’s resting squarely on the level of Maslow’s Hierarchy that commands for stability to be fulfilled before he can move up to the tier where he can have a healthy romantic relationship. Thus, my choices are as follows:

 

a)      I can walk away from what I’d envisioned as “the man of my dreams” and trust that another will cross my path, one who is ready for a romantic relationship. This is tough to do in that there is a temptation to ignore what I know to be true. Dave isn’t ready for a girlfriend.

 

b)      I can make the conscious decision that this person is worth an investment of time to see if ideal endgame can be reached. This is much tougher. Not only do I have to accept that Dave isn’t ready for a girlfriend, but I also must be satisfied if he never is.

 

So let’s make the assumption that I’m not willing to cut bait and try again. I see something of potential value and decide to stick it through. By understanding Dave needs stability and order, I promptly realize what Dave needs most is a friend; a true friend. I can now redefine my win-win.

 

Mutable endgame—I gain a valuable friend and Dave gets the emotional support he needs to heal from his divorce.

 

Now, this is a place where I must to be honest about my motives and very careful. If I merely “play” the role of the friend, I will have stepped back into predatory endgame. People can sense when someone is not genuine, and they will eventually react. To fulfill the HC&HA principles I will have to totally reframe how I view Dave. This doesn’t mean I can’t hope that this mutable endgame will not eventually shift to my ideal endgame, but I will, however, have had to be happy if friendship is all Dave will ever offer.

 

This is not the easy course of action because it requires me to look beyond the desire for love to place another’s needs as the priority. Because I am attracted to Dave, I will have to take an even more vigilant stock of my motives every step of the way to make certain my actions remain in alignment with the paramount goal—being Dave’s friend. This new mutable endgame must make the win-win the top priority. If I remain true in my motives and actions, this should produce one of two likely good endings.

 

One good ending…

 

Dave cherishes my friendship. He realizes how difficult it was for me to back off into a less desirable role. Time passes and I remain authentic in the friendship. Dave never feels pressure for romance and comes to appreciate my genuine attitude. Since often the best romances are birthed from friendship, this can still have a happy romantic ending.

 

But the best part is that, if it does, Dave will be making that decision from a healthy level of the hierarchy. By me fulfilling Dave’s need for order and stability as his friend, I will now be able to progress and fulfill his need for love as his mate.

 

Another good ending…

 

I gain a valuable friendship in Dave. Since I didn’t force my way into a losing relationship, when that emotionally available catch comes along, I am free to pursue.

 

Either way, mutable endgame will eventually translate into ideal endgame.

 

What I find most amazing about the underlying philosophy to Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas is that the principles hold universal application to all relationships.

 

Let’s take a moment and see how HC&HA applies to the workplace.

 

Frank has worked in sales for three years. His territory is small, but he thinks he’s capable of more. Thus he begins looking for a new job with his dream company. There are two openings. One is his ideal job. It comes with a sweet salary, an expense account, paid travel and a company car. The problem is that it is a far larger territory than he’s ever handled, and, if Frank is honest with himself, this job is way out of his league. There is another job opening for far less pay, fewer benefits, and less prestige…yet it is still with this dream company.

 

For the sake of argument, Frank is a very skilled interviewer. Additionally, he knows he can frame his background in such a way that he very likely could land the peach position. Now it is very easy to see all three possible endgames.

 

Ideal endgame—Frank finds the perfect job suited to his skills.

 

Predatory endgame—Frank pursues a position beyond the scope of his abilities. Because he’s a gifted interviewer, he’s able to convince the company he is the best choice. Time will reveal this is, in fact, not the case. Thus, Frank will end up tarnishing his reputation, and the company will feel as if they’ve been cheated.

 

Mutable endgame—Frank makes an honest self-evaluation. He realizes that his dream position at his dream company is simply beyond his skill set at the present time. Thus, he reframes his win-win. He sets aside his pride and applies for the less desirable position. Frank wins because he now works for his dream company. The company wins because they have the perfect guy in the perfect job where Frank will be an asset.

 

Again two likely scenarios will occur.

 

First, Frank shines in this position and gains valuable experience. Because the company is so impressed, they eventually move him up within the company and into his dream job.

 

Secondly, Frank shines in his new position. Another, even better company, hires him away. Since Frank didn’t bog himself down in a job that was over his head, he has a strong reputation that will be attractive to other employers. And, if/when he leaves the company, they will be sad to see him go, and no bridges have been burned.

 

Thus, mutable endgame now has translated into ideal endgame.

 

As I stated before, the beauty of the HC&HA tenets are that they cross-apply into all relationships. By setting goals, making continual evaluations, and always striving for the win-win, you will see dramatic improvement all round. The reason? Your motives will remain pure, and centered on bettering the other party.

 

Until next time..