Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Verbal Jujutsu Part II

“For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.” Sun Tzu

 

In the last blog, I mentioned how, as a Jujutsu instructor, my greatest advice to eager young students was that the best way to win a fight was to avoid one. Of course, all of us are aware this is easier said than done.

 

Martial arts gives us a lot of useful parallels when navigating the murky waters of human relationships. As an instructor, I also was a salesman. No students meant no classes which translated quickly into no paycheck. Yet, martial arts was not for every personality type. During my tenure I had to turn away a handful of individuals when my series of questions revealed a person who was looking and hoping for a fight. That wasn’t what Jujutsu was about. We aspired to recruit individuals who wanted discipline, fulfillment and, ultimately, to be prepared. Jujutsu teaches powerful and sometimes deadly techniques, but the true student of the form, deep down, hopes to never be forced to use them.

 

Sadly, we all deal with people who are looking and hoping for a fight. They may be in the workplace, in an organization, a club, or even a member of our own family. In “Interrogator Lessons” I referred to them as “toxic people.” Also, all of us possess our own needs, wants, agendas and even baggage. Like billiard balls, we will sometimes “strike” against each other. Since we don’t have the luxury of living out our days alone on a desert island reality dictates that conflict is inevitable. HC&HA, like Jujutsu, is for people who desire discipline, fulfillment, and, ultimately, to be prepared when conflict arises.

 

Today, we’ll discuss two important tactics; flexibility and redirection.

 

Flexibility

 

Jujutsu involves a lot of throws and grappling maneuvers. Anyone who watched the first five years of the Ultimate Fighting Challenge saw a quick pattern emerge. Brazilian Jujutsu (Gracie Ground Fighting) had the ability to simply flatten all the competition. Whether it was Kung Fu or Kickboxing, the second one of the Gracie brothers swept an opponent’s legs and got them on the ground it was only a matter of time before the fight was over.

 

Why?

 

Most of the other forms relied heavily on punching and kicking. So long as a contender remained standing, he was a formidable force. But, sweep his feet out from under him, get him flat on his back…and, well it was a very different story. The reason is twofold. Unless a person trains for it, the initial shock of being knocked off one’s feet can be paralyzing. Most people don’t know how to fall. When this type of person hits the ground, the impact slams his head, dazing him. The force knocks the wind from his lungs. Also, since he has spent no time training for what to do next, he’s rapidly out of his element with no offensive or defensive tactics at his disposal.

 

One fighter stands out in my mind—a boxer. This guy possessed amazing strength and speed. He managed to pummel his way through every opponent, but once up against a Gracie, found himself suddenly on the mat, helplessly twisted like a pretzel.

 

This same scenario played out for a few years, but then something interesting occurred. Anyone who intended to fight in the UFC began taking grappling classes.

 

I hate to say it, but very often conflict, whether it is with family, a loved one, or a coworker can very easily end up on the mats. Hopefully the tools in this blog will help you keep your wits when your feet get swept out from under you, and then provide skills to help you walk away unscathed.

 

Grappling (wrestling), remarkably enough, doesn’t require tremendous physical strength, but what it does require is flexibility. Being limber is key whether one happens to be on the offense or the defensive side. If you have a tight back, hamstrings, or shoulders, then a grappler can pin you more easily because it takes far less pressure to make you squeal and tap out. Conversely, if you are super limber, you have many more moves at your disposal to not only escape, but then to redirect the energy back onto your opponent.

 

How does this apply to relationships?

 

Gregory Hartley is a veteran military interrogator who holds honors in the United States Army. More recently, he has demonstrated his expertise with the Defense Intelligence Agency, Navy SEALS, Federal law enforcement agencies, and national television. Hartley is the coauthor of several books that apply the world of the interrogator to real life.

 

Hartley, in his book “How to Spot a Liar” explains how those individuals who are rigid and fixed in mindset and lifestyle are an interrogators dream. This person’s lack of mental and emotional flexibility makes them the easiest to rattle, frustrate, and finally break under questioning. Stress affects all humans, but the person who is unbending and inflexible is the most vulnerable of all.

 

This brings to mind Jack Nicholson’s character Melvin Udall in the 1997 film “As Good as it Gets.” Melvin suffers from severe obsessive compulsive disorder. He is very literally enslaved by his rituals, whether it is sitting at a certain table, having a certain waitress, or even locking the door a specific number of times when he enters his apartment. Any deviation from this ritual sends poor Melvin into an emotional tailspin or meltdown.

 

Now this might be an extreme example, but it gives us pause when we consider our own behavior and expectations when it comes to our relationships. How flexible are we when dealing with others? How do we react when our child wants to spend time with his friends instead of with us? How do we respond when a vacation doesn’t go as planned or a date derails an hour in? What is our reaction when a coworker fails to meet a deadline? Are we like Melvin, more concerned with things clicking along according to our plan, or do we “go with the flow?”

 

Grappling capitalizes on two fundamental truths. 1) Most people don’t know what to do when knocked on the ground. 2) Most people have poor flexibility. The same thing happens in relationships. How much better will we all withstand the emotional wrestling match if we are prepared? We have a far greater chance of getting back on our feet unscathed if we don’t get rattled when our feet are swept out from under us, and understand that emotional flexibility is our greatest asset.

 

Redirection

 

How many of you can think back to your days in high school driver’s education? Remember the simple physics lesson regarding a collision? If a car hits a wall at 40 mph, then it is an impact force of 40 mph. Yet, if a car traveling at 40 mph hits another car traveling at the same speed head-on we have an impact force now doubled to 80 mph. A bad fender bender has likely turned into an auto fatality.

 

Jujutsu understands that meeting an opponent with equal force is just a bad idea, and the moves frequently involve redirecting an aggressor’s energy.

 

Empathy is a very effective tool to redirect negative energy when faced with conflict.

 

First, a quick review…

 

In one of the first HC&HA blogs, we discussed the importance of ranking and repetition. When a person feels threatened, the natural instinct is to distance from the true cause of distress. People tend to rank priorities when they speak. Human nature is to assume the first item on the list is the most important. When my colleague Bob says he “needs my report on GB corporation, a time to discuss corporate training, and an idea of how many people might want to attend his DFW workshop” then it is pretty safe to assume the report on GB is what he deems most important.

 

Yet, as we studied earlier, conflict will change the nature of the ranking, and will reverse the order…because humans distance themselves from the negative. So when in an argument with your girlfriend, it is probably wiser to focus on the last item in the list because you understand that she has “backed into” the problem and needed time to divulge the source of her angst. Also, pay attention to what is repeated in the course of the conversation. This is a big clue as to what is really bothering her.

 

The ability to do this will depend largely on the capacity to not allow stress to get its claws into the situation. Interrogator Lesson Number One gives us a clear picture of what happens to us when stress levels get out of control.

 

*** Empathy will work best when we can ascertain the true reason the other person is upset.

 

No emotionally healthy person likes conflict. Often it throws up our defenses and we are quick to counter with a laundry list of why the other party is more at fault or more to blame or where this person has fallen short. But, remember the auto-collision example? When force meets force, the end result is never pretty.

 

So let’s say we maintain a cool head and are able to listen well enough to get to the root of the problem. In this situation, empathy is our friend. Most fights can be diffused rather quickly when the other party is given a chance to be heard and understood, regardless of whether we agree with them or not.

 

Communication is not only what we say, but how we say it and also how that information is then processed by the other person. In short, communication is a two-way street. If we say something that hurts another, we might not have meant it, but we do need to be aware that our phrasing, tone, or inflection is being filtered through the other party’s baggage and current state of mind. What is vital to understand is that the other person is distressed. That is reality. In order to keep the situation from escalating, we have to deal with the current situation as it presents.

 

This person is hurt and needs to feel understood.

 

We might not even be the source of the other person’s pain. But, we can quickly become one of we aren’t careful.

 

For example, Cindy’s mother really wants to buy a house. She has been in apartment living for ten years and misses having a yard and a place to call home. The problem is that Cindy’s mother had several years of bad health resulting in some pretty hefty medical bills and damaged credit. Since Cindy is in charge of her mother’s finances, this desire for a home has been a continual source of disagreement between them.

 

Cindy’s mother wants a home to call her own…immediately. Cindy believes this is a poor decision and thinks it is far wiser if her mother can wait, give time to pay off bills, put money in savings, and improve credit damaged during the time of her illness.

 

The next time conflict over this topic arises, Cindy has a choice. She can meet her mother’s force head-on using logic; giving a list of why her mother needs to wait on purchasing a home. Or, she can understand that her mother is dealing with an emotional need, and emotion and logic are rare companions. Entering a debate on the logic of an emotional desire is about the quickest way to start a fight.

 

This is where empathy can help.

 

The better approach would be for Cindy to sit down across from her mother and say, “I understand you don’t want to live in apartments any more. I can appreciate you wanting to have a garden and a place to call your own. Anyone would want that.”

 

Chances are, the conflict very well could stop right there. And before you roll your eyes, think how many times you were having a bad day or week and suddenly found yourself in a fight with a friend or loved one because all you really wanted to hear was, “I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. That must have been very disappointing.”

 

We’ve all been there. We didn’t want the other person to hit us with logic or want them to fix the problem. We simply wanted to be validated, and when we felt dismissed or ignored, the small problem suddenly escalated.

 

Lately I have spent a lot of time giving insight, tools and tactics for managing conflict. The reason for this is simple. Conflict is energy. It can either be destructive or constructive. Conflict, poorly handled, can destroy a marriage, alienate children from their parents, split apart a workplace, or throw an organization into a destructive cycle of infighting and blame-game. On the other hand, conflict, when well managed, can deepen relationships, build trust, and create unbreakable bonds.

 

By being flexible, we allow others room to have needs. Emotional flexibility gets us more easily back on our feet when our plans or agenda is kicked out from under us. By using empathy, we allow others permission to be vulnerable and not fear attack. Empathy repositions us as friend and ally.

 

We can’t control other people. We can only control our response. Often the knowledge that we have a choice is both empowering and comforting. These skills, like anything else, require practice, practice, and more practice until they’re second nature. And keep in mind, even the great military leader Sun Tzu understood that the pinnacle of skill rested in how well one could gain victory…without fighting at all.

 

Until next time…

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Verbal Jujutsu Part I

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—Verbal Jujitsu Part I

Jujutsu 柔術, literally meaning the “art of softness“, or “way of yielding” evolved among the samurai of feudal Japan as a method for dispatching an armed and armored opponent in situations where the use of weapons was impractical or forbidden. Due to the difficulty of dispatching an armored opponent with striking techniques, the most efficient methods for neutralizing an enemy took the form of pins, joint locks, and throws. These techniques were developed around the principle of using an attacker’s energy against him, rather than directly opposing it, and came to be known as jujutsu. (Skoss, 1995)

In an earlier blog, I mentioned my time as a Jujutsu instructor. At the time, I would have no way of knowing how much this experience would impact the way I communicated and dealt with conflict in relationships. But, first a little background so the concepts will make more sense.

As a teenager, I competed in Tae Kwon Do. But it soon became clear to me that this form held some very real shortcomings. First of all, TKD wasn’t really a great equalizer. At barely 5’4” (when the planets are in line and the moon’s gravitational pull it at its peak) and 135 pounds, I have serious limitations against a much larger, drunk, pissed off, or otherwise highly motivated attacker. Many of the moves (defensive or offensive) are going to land my opponent 1) dead (crushed windpipe) or 2) in the hospital with an injury that will haunt him forever (I.e. taking out a knee or crushing an instep).

On my way to becoming a Jujutsu convert, I explored other forms beyond TKD, some of them quite vicious in their methods, complete with techniques for gouging eyes and ripping out tracheas (yikes!)—obviously desperate tactics that should be reserved as a last resort.  Although I enjoyed martial arts as a sport, I held reservations about ever applying it in a real life situation, especially since, once a person becomes a black belt, the stakes are far higher. Not only could I be charged with assault, but it could be upgraded to “assault with a deadly weapon.” Then, there is the cold truth that we happen to live in a highly litigious society. Many people are looking for any excuse to sue.

Over time, I conceded that, if forced to defend myself against a far larger attacker, I was only going to be able to punch or kick so hard. And since, in a fight, adrenaline is running high, it is highly likely I would have to resort to tactics that could cause severe injury or even death—fertile soil for jail time or a law suit. No fun there.

So I continued my search.

Then one day I ran across Jujutsu. What I liked most was the practicality of the form—it provided options. Instead of meeting an opponent head-on, Jujutsu redirects his energy against him and capitalizes on the fragility of the joints. It only takes a few pounds of pressure to dislocate a wrist, shoulder, or elbow…regardless how big, drunk, high or angry the person. With Jujutsu, there were moves that, when a guy took a swing at me, I could 1) step out of the way 2) trap his hand as it passes then 3) turn in my body weight and apply pressure to the back of the elbow.

With Jujutsu I could follow through with the strike (ouch), but I could also choose to stop at a joint lock. This means that my 6’6” opponent is now bent forward and, if he fails to see reason, will have a badly dislocated elbow. His energy is neutralized. Any movement on his part only causes him a degree of pain. The great part, though, is I now have Junior in a position to calm down and listen to reason…and nobody has to walk away injured.

One of the reasons I love teaching the HC & HA tools, is I’ve made all the mistakes. In doing things the wrong way, I possess a lot of knowledge through hindsight. My brother has a great saying, “When the mind is stupid, the body suffers.” In martial arts, when I failed to listen, I paid the price, frequently with bumps, bruises, strains and breaks…reminders of my stubbornness or stupidity. In relationships, when I failed to listen or to use the proper approach, I also paid the price in hurt feelings, damaged friendships, strained trust, and injured loyalty. Translated, “When the mind is stupid, everyone suffers.”

To me, these are the worst injuries of all. But, the great news is that these sorts of wounds can be minimized in our lives with the application of the proper communication techniques.

In life, more specifically in conflict, there are three types of communicators. 1) Weak 2) Strong but Undisciplined 3) Strong but Disciplined. Most of us will find ourselves as the first two at different points in time. It’s only with certain learned skills and respect for stress that any of us can advance to the third type of communicator.

The weak communicator is either an avoider or an attacker. When faced with conflict, this person will generally do one of two things. The one side of the weak communicator is the person who will nod and agree until the other party runs out of steam. Yet, once the argument is finished, it isn’t really resolved. There’s no closure but a ton of resentment left to fester until it erupts again. The flip-side of the weak communicator is someone who resorts to verbal or actual fisticuffs. Someone provokes her and, since she cannot articulate, she makes her point by cursing, insulting and name-calling. She either emotionally or physically assaults the other party.

***Interrogator Lesson Number One explains how important it is to respect stress. When stress levels get too high, biological defense mechanisms short-circuits our higher thinking centers and tosses us into the primal. The reptilian brain only knows to scurry into a hole or strike.

The strong but undisciplined communicator, in my opinion, causes the most collateral damage. All of us have been in the fight with that person who could verbally toss us around like a rag doll. They have this way of turning everything we say against us and seem to know the one thing to say that strikes to the core of our being…often plunging us into reptilian brain thinking. We go from being normal logical people to foaming at the mouth raging lunatics.

This type of communicator may or may not be conscious of what he is doing. If this person is aware of his actions, then we are probably dealing with a sadist. If unaware, this is merely a person whose verbal gifts have a dark side being fueled by stress, a person who is also in reptilian thinking. The cerebral cortex (the governor of the tongue) has been removed and we may find ourselves 1) fighting out of our weight class if we have lost it to the point of resembling someone with Tourette’s or 2) going to the mattresses trading verbal punches with the same vicious ability.

The strong but undisciplined communicator has brutally effective verbal skills. Yet, their tactics remind me of the martial artist who gouges eyes, tears off ears, or rips out the trachea. Does it end the fight? Um…yeah. But there is permanent damage that’s gonna take a long time to heal, if it doesn’t kill the relationship right there.

There is a good reason to walk away from conflict. It gives us time to calm down and keep the governors on our tongue. When I used to teach Jujutsu I’d tell the students that the best way to win a fight was to avoid one. This doesn’t mean we ignore the issues, it means we are sane enough to appreciate when a situation is turning volatile. It is also a reason we allow others to walk away, that we give them time in another room, a long drive, or a night on the couch.

Conflict stinks, and all of us have a desire to end it as soon as possible. But we also should be aware of what endgame we desire. Predatory endgame pursues the person into the other room or out into the garage. The only goal is to end the fight because it will end the discomfort. And don’t feel bad. Unless you’re running for sainthood, all of us have made this error. We have either pushed or been pushed, and it is common knowledge that, when cornered, even a rabbit will bite.

The strong but disciplined communicator respects stress and chooses the choke hold over the snapped neck. He redirects his opponent’s energy and diffuses it. One of the first moves we teach in Jujutsu is the best way to not get punched is to simply step out of the way. Anyone who has seen a Stephen Segal movie has witnessed this maneuver. The strong but disciplined communicator knows that the best way to win a fight is to avoid one. What differentiates him from the weak communicator is that he returns later to address the core issues behind the conflict when everyone has had time to cool off.

HC&HA relies on all of us appreciating and understanding the effects of stress. When studying martial arts, there is tremendous emphasis placed on controlling emotion. That is why so many styles incorporate meditation. They understand it is the state of mind that makes the difference between dislocating an attacker’s shoulder and stopping the move at a joint lock. Similarly, even a master of Verbal Jujutsu can resort to the verbal equivalent of snapping a neck if the stress levels get too high.

Remember, practice makes perfect. In any form of martial arts, repetition is key. A white belt is probably not going to remember how to block the playground bully’s fist headed straight for his nose. But, by the time he’s done that move a few thousand times, it becomes as natural a reaction as blinking. The same holds true for these techniques. It is a process of practice and failure until is second nature. And life throws more than enough conflict our way to get lots and lots and lots of practice J.

Yet, reality is that escape isn’t always an option. There are other tactics used by the skilled but disciplined communicator. Want to know how to neutralize and diffuse conflict when evasion is impossible??? Find out in the next Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas J.

Until next time…

Footnote:

Skoss, Meik (1995). “Jujutsu and Taijutsu“. Aikido Journal

 

 

 

 

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Endgame Expanded

Endgame Expanded

 

Next week I will return to “Interrogator Lessons,” but after some recent events, it seemed to me that endgame needed more attention.

 

In “Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—VI” we discussed what I believe to be the third component of human interaction—endgame. The blog broke endgame into three types—ideal endgame, predatory endgame, and mutable endgame. For the sake of brevity, I have reposted this blog for easy reference and review.

 

The response to Endgame was mixed. Sometimes I think we humans balk against simplicity, believing life has to be far more complex than it really is. Yet, Occam’s Razor states, “All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.” And I feel that, even in relationships, the law of parsimony stands true. I believe it is our desire to make things complicated that often undermines even the best-laid plans of mice and men.

 

I created the blog series Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas to share my unique skill set to help the reader “unearth” the true intent and motivations behind his actions. If we don’t know our end destination or our purpose for the journey, it is easy to digress and become lost. We all have agendas. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. Yet, so often we are unaware of our intent, of the emotions driving us, and therein is where problems arise.

 

But I believe I need to offer this caveat. Humans, although not necessarily complex, are very dynamic. Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They are fluid and shift continually, often in response (or reaction) to outside forces. Our position on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is rarely static.

 

I can wake up in the morning sitting squarely near the top of the pyramid. At this point, life is good. I have food, safety, shelter (Tier One—Basic Needs). My bills are paid, family is healthy, and everything at work is running like a well-oiled machine (Tier Two—Need for Security). I have a great guy who thinks I’m the bee’s knees (Tier Three—Friendship, Family, Intimacy). Because everything is going so great, I am able to find a nice comfy seat on Tier Four (Self-Esteem, Confidence, Respect of Others). Who isn’t confident when life is grand? At this point, I’m thinking Tier Five (Self Actualization) should be a done deal by lunchtime.

 

Oh, but one problem…life. When our world is running too smoothly, all of us feel that twinge of, “All right. When is all hell going to break loose?”

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Endgame Reposted

In Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas—Part IV, I asserted that there existed three main components to human socialization—Analysis, Manipulation, and Endgame. Part IV addressed Analysis, Part V cleared the murky waters of Manipulation, and the purpose of today’s blog is to discuss Endgame.

 

In chess, the endgame refers to the stage of the game where obstructions separating one from the goal have been removed and victory is at hand. Skilled chess players often do this in a matter of a few moves. Highly skilled players do this in less.

 

Throughout this series I have emphasized repeatedly the importance of goal-setting. How well you’ve done this will, ultimately, be reflected in your positioning when it comes down to the endgame. Most individuals never reach this stage because, too often, the game ended prematurely due to poor preparation or misguided motives.

 

Analysis is where you learned the pieces, where you were taught to study the board as a whole.

 

Manipulation is where you learned the strategy for efficient maneuvering. It taught both defensive and offensive options to keep you in the action until this point.

 

Endgame is where everything comes together.

 

Now, if you paid attention and followed directions, you did a self-assessment and wrote down your goals. These are critical steps for reaching the endgame because you became aware of the players, pieces, rules and object of the game.

 

To illustrate…

 

What if I set before you a board with printed squares, and then I handed you little plastic pieces, and a deck of cards, and a few die and then said, “Okay, let’s play?” You’d, of course, be utterly confused, and rightly so. I gave you no parameters, didn’t tell you what the plastic pieces were or what they did, gave you no insight into the cards and their functions and then…die? You’d probably be thinking, “What is this, Dungeons and Dragons meets Sorry?”

 

Yet, too often this is the case in relationships. What one hopes to avoid is what I’ll call the predatory endgame. The purpose of all these tools is to help you create wonderful relationships by setting up win-win situations. This is why 1) it is critical for you to constantly assess your motivations and 2) it is imperative for you to understand the other player(s).

 

I’m going to break endgames into three categories: There is the ideal endgame, predatory endgame, and the mutable endgame.

 

Ideal endgame is—you guessed it—ideal. This is what happens when proper planning and hard work combine to produce the stated goal. And, hopefully, this will be the end result once you successfully apply the tenets of HC&HA.

 

First, a study in failure.

 

“‘Don’t do it this way’ is sometimes as important a lesson as ‘Do it this way.’”—Bob Mayer, Who Dares Wins 2005.

 

To understand success, often a lesson in failure is very enlightening. To illustrate, I will give a personal experience.

 

We’ll begin with an example of predatory endgame. I was younger and hadn’t yet had the life experiences that eventually would teach me the skills I’m now passing on to you. Yet, this is a vivid illustration I think you will find of value.

 

From a fairly young age, I was blessed to understand the value in setting goals in all areas of my life. This included writing a list of what my “ideal” mate would look like so I’d recognize him when he stumbled across my path. I was an honor student at T.C.U., had traveled extensively, was president of a half a zillion clubs and organizations, and had big dreams of taking the world by storm.

 

I met Dave (we’ll call him that to protect the innocent); a very handsome, successful man who’d worked on Capitol Hill and possessed political aspirations. We were perfect for each other. He was everything I wanted—good-looking, brilliant, articulate, ambitious, funny, etc. Both of us had a passion for politics and desired all the same things out of life.

 

It was fate.

 

The problem was that he’d gone through a nasty divorce. Anyone with one eye and half sense could see immediately he was far from being over the hurt. This man might as well have been wearing a T-shirt with “Vulnerable” written across the chest.

 

Yet, here I’d found the perfect guy, and I was NOT about to let him go. Four years later, after countless fights and a ton of bad feelings, it ended…badly—scorched-land- salted-earth-Book of Exodus-badly. Because of my own selfish agenda, I poisoned what either a) might have grown into a wonderful romance or b) an amazing friendship with someone who would have been my fiercest ally in life.

 

This is not a mistake I intend to repeat.

 

Predatory endgames are a huge reason rebound relationships so often fail. One or both parties are trying to regain their footing higher up on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs using the other as a human step-ladder or, more accurately, a “relationship band-aid.” What do we do with band-aids once the wound heals? You got it. We throw them away.

 

Another point to notice…

 

The fact I was so fearful of my needs not being met that I was willing to resort to predatory endgame should have been a huge warning flag I was not operating from a functional level of Maslow’s Hierarchy. I should have noticed this fact so as to step back and reconsider the underlying causes of my insecurity. Was it school? Was it the stress of an uncertain future? Regardless of what the cause, a relationship driven by insecurity, by definition, is a relationship built on shaky ground.

 

So let’s assume we can manipulate the fabric of space and time and reverse the clock to October of 1997. Only now, I possess the tenets of Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas.

 

Now, I meet Dave. He is everything I ever wanted. Yet, because now I employ active questioning and active listening, I grasp rather quickly that Dave is in a rough spot. I now can make a choice because I understand the tenets of HC&HA as well as the moral imperative to always strive for the win-win. The beauty of these principles is the latitude they provide when dealing with other people.

 

As a side-note, how many of you have met the man or woman of your dreams only to realize you have the worst timing on the planet? How do you pursue in a manner that will eventually lead to ideal endgame? Tough question. The answer is simple, but the work is challenging.

 

Let’s continue on with our theoretical scenario.

 

Upon realizing Dave is in a rough spot, I back off to reassess the situation. I understand he’s resting squarely on the level of Maslow’s Hierarchy that commands for stability to be fulfilled before he can move up to the tier where he can have a healthy romantic relationship. Thus, my choices are as follows:

 

a)      I can walk away from what I’d envisioned as “the man of my dreams” and trust that another will cross my path, one who is ready for a romantic relationship. This is tough to do in that there is a temptation to ignore what I know to be true. Dave isn’t ready for a girlfriend.

 

b)      I can make the conscious decision that this person is worth an investment of time to see if ideal endgame can be reached. This is much tougher. Not only do I have to accept that Dave isn’t ready for a girlfriend, but I also must be satisfied if he never is.

 

So let’s make the assumption that I’m not willing to cut bait and try again. I see something of potential value and decide to stick it through. By understanding Dave needs stability and order, I promptly realize what Dave needs most is a friend; a true friend. I can now redefine my win-win.

 

Mutable endgame—I gain a valuable friend and Dave gets the emotional support he needs to heal from his divorce.

 

Now, this is a place where I must to be honest about my motives and very careful. If I merely “play” the role of the friend, I will have stepped back into predatory endgame. People can sense when someone is not genuine, and they will eventually react. To fulfill the HC&HA principles I will have to totally reframe how I view Dave. This doesn’t mean I can’t hope that this mutable endgame will not eventually shift to my ideal endgame, but I will, however, have had to be happy if friendship is all Dave will ever offer.

 

This is not the easy course of action because it requires me to look beyond the desire for love to place another’s needs as the priority. Because I am attracted to Dave, I will have to take an even more vigilant stock of my motives every step of the way to make certain my actions remain in alignment with the paramount goal—being Dave’s friend. This new mutable endgame must make the win-win the top priority. If I remain true in my motives and actions, this should produce one of two likely good endings.

 

One good ending…

 

Dave cherishes my friendship. He realizes how difficult it was for me to back off into a less desirable role. Time passes and I remain authentic in the friendship. Dave never feels pressure for romance and comes to appreciate my genuine attitude. Since often the best romances are birthed from friendship, this can still have a happy romantic ending.

 

But the best part is that, if it does, Dave will be making that decision from a healthy level of the hierarchy. By me fulfilling Dave’s need for order and stability as his friend, I will now be able to progress and fulfill his need for love as his mate.

 

Another good ending…

 

I gain a valuable friendship in Dave. Since I didn’t force my way into a losing relationship, when that emotionally available catch comes along, I am free to pursue.

 

Either way, mutable endgame will eventually translate into ideal endgame.

 

What I find most amazing about the underlying philosophy to Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas is that the principles hold universal application to all relationships.

 

Let’s take a moment and see how HC&HA applies to the workplace.

 

Frank has worked in sales for three years. His territory is small, but he thinks he’s capable of more. Thus he begins looking for a new job with his dream company. There are two openings. One is his ideal job. It comes with a sweet salary, an expense account, paid travel and a company car. The problem is that it is a far larger territory than he’s ever handled, and, if Frank is honest with himself, this job is way out of his league. There is another job opening for far less pay, fewer benefits, and less prestige…yet it is still with this dream company.

 

For the sake of argument, Frank is a very skilled interviewer. Additionally, he knows he can frame his background in such a way that he very likely could land the peach position. Now it is very easy to see all three possible endgames.

 

Ideal endgame—Frank finds the perfect job suited to his skills.

 

Predatory endgame—Frank pursues a position beyond the scope of his abilities. Because he’s a gifted interviewer, he’s able to convince the company he is the best choice. Time will reveal this is, in fact, not the case. Thus, Frank will end up tarnishing his reputation, and the company will feel as if they’ve been cheated.

 

Mutable endgame—Frank makes an honest self-evaluation. He realizes that his dream position at his dream company is simply beyond his skill set at the present time. Thus, he reframes his win-win. He sets aside his pride and applies for the less desirable position. Frank wins because he now works for his dream company. The company wins because they have the perfect guy in the perfect job where Frank will be an asset.

 

Again two likely scenarios will occur.

 

First, Frank shines in this position and gains valuable experience. Because the company is so impressed, they eventually move him up within the company and into his dream job.

 

Secondly, Frank shines in his new position. Another, even better company, hires him away. Since Frank didn’t bog himself down in a job that was over his head, he has a strong reputation that will be attractive to other employers. And, if/when he leaves the company, they will be sad to see him go, and no bridges have been burned.

 

Thus, mutable endgame now has translated into ideal endgame.

 

As I stated before, the beauty of the HC&HA tenets are that they cross-apply into all relationships. By setting goals, making continual evaluations, and always striving for the win-win, you will see dramatic improvement all round. The reason? Your motives will remain pure, and centered on bettering the other party.

 

Until next time..