Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—Interrogator Lesson Number One

Lesson Number One—Understanding the Power of Stress

 

The key to HC & HA principles is a thorough understanding of self and others. Physiology is not to be underestimated. Stress can be a powerful adversary, but also a powerful tool when used correctly. Sort of like an ax, stress is a tool best used by someone who possesses skill steeped in respect.

 

I’ll expand on that later in Interrogator Lesson Number Two—Using the Power of Stress for Advantage.

 

First, Biology 101. Have you ever wondered why you can’t remember half of what you said after a fight? Wondered why it seems the only time you can’t find your keys is the day you’re late for work? Been curious why your I.Q. suddenly plunged to “functionally retarded” while on a date?

 

Yup. Stress. But how does stress make perfectly normal and otherwise bright individuals turn into instant idiots?

 

Basically, the same biological defense mechanisms that kept us alive hunting bison while wearing the latest saber tooth fashions are still at work today. The sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems work in tandem to regulate the conscious mind. Sympathetic gears us for fight or flight. Parasympathetic calms us down after we’ve outrun the bear…or finished that job interview.

 

In order for the sympathetic system to do its job effectively, it dumps all sorts of stress hormones into the body—DHEA, cortisol, adrenaline—to enable that super human strength, speed, and endurance required to survive the crisis. The problem is that the human body thinks in blanket terms and cannot tell the difference between fighting off a lion and fighting off an angry spouse. And one can see how those two could easily be confused J.

 

The human brain is divided into three parts:

 

Cerebral Cortex—higher thinking functions like language, meaning, logic.

 

Limbic/Mammalian Brain—used for experiencing emotions.

 

Reptilian Brain—cares only about food, sex, survival.

 

So before going any further, you are probably curious why I chose to look to interrogators for insight. I mean, they aren’t generally viewed as warm fuzzy people who could guide us in relationship success. But, I believe we can learn a lot from them.

 

Why?

 

Interrogators know stress, are agents of anxiety. Their understanding of stress and its effects allows them to maneuver individuals effectively to gain accurate answers to their questions. Good interrogators know why torture is often ineffective. A brain frazzled to the breaking point physiologically cannot access information contained in the cerebral cortex (higher thinking center). Thus, good interrogators manage stress. And so should we. This is why their insight is valuable to the rest of us mere mortals.

 

And for the purpose of this blog, I am referring to bad stress so there is no confusion. Good stress (such as a set deadline for a goal) is for another blog.

 

Modern life may not have as many literal lions and tigers and bears, but we are still bombarded with their figurative counterparts all day, every day. Just like an interrogator, it is a vital for all of us to understand stress and its effects. We also have to accept that stress will always be a part of life. Getting angry about it is about as productive as being ticked at gravity.

 

So, if stress will always be present, how can we use it to our advantage instead of becoming its unwitting victim? And anyone who has ever written that term paper the night before it was due knows stress can be quite helpful.

 

When stress hits, the body reacts within milliseconds. The sympathetic nervous system floods the body with hormones, increases heart rate, pulls blood away from digestive and reproductive systems, etc. And, most importantly for today’s lesson, diverts blood supply to the mammalian and reptile brain at the expense of the cerebral cortex. Apparently the body feels your witty repertoire of Nietzsche quotes are not real helpful in lifting a car off your child.

 

And, since the mammalian brain is in high gear, this explains why it is not uncommon to experience intense emotion while under stress. This is why crying, when confronted or angry, should not necessarily be perceived as weakness. It is also why, once you calm down, you frequently wonder why you were so upset to begin with…mammalian brain overtook logic. This is also why the gazillion action figures your child leaves littered across the floor suddenly becomes a capital offense two seconds after you accidentally set dinner ablaze. Your emotions have taken front and center stage and knocked logic into the orchestra pit.

 

Another interesting point…

 

When the sympathetic nervous system prepares you for fight or flight, your pupils dilate. The purpose of this is to take in as much information about a situation as possible. The problem is that, although you are seeing “more” you’re actually seeing “less.” The body is totally focused on the cause of the stress. This is why, when you’re running late to work, you see every clock in the house, but cannot seem to find your car keys.

 

This is an important lesson for all of us. HC & HA provides tools to create effective relationships. Understanding how stress affects our ability to think and even what we see is just as critical as knowing where we sit on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (discussed in HC & HA Parts Four through Six). It gives us perspective. But, more importantly, it frees us.

Now that we understand and respect stress, we have permission to go on vacation or truly take a day off. When bad stress piles up, we are physiologically are incapable of:

 

1) Being productive.

 

That manuscript will take 5 times longer to complete because you keep forgetting what you were writing. And while you’re chasing your train of thought, you will be beating your computer’s thesaurus function to death trying to find another word for “the.”  

 

2) Making clear decisions.

 

You won’t be making decisions from the logical part of your brain, so buying that corvette without telling your wife might actually seem like a bright idea.

 

3) Interacting in a healthy way with your fellow humans.

 

The new trees for your back yard might never get planted because your husband will be too busy plotting a way to bury you under them.

 

So be aware, and when the stress levels get too high. Take a breather.

 

Understand that it is okay to walk away and regroup. Just because someone confronts you does not necessarily mean you are required to adhere to their time schedule. In fact, it is best for all concerned that you don’t.

 

Additionally, this is yet another tool to help spot and avoid toxic people. Not to oversimplify complex psychological dynamics, but toxic people are brokers of stress. Whether or not they do it consciously, they thrive off an atmosphere teeming with anxiety.

 

An extreme example might be an abusive partner. Just about the time the battered wife knows she’s in a mess and plans to escape, the abuser does something that sends her right back into limbic/reptilian brain thinking that is incapable of strategy.

 

A lesser example is that person who is always a vortex of need—all of us know one. The person who’s always has some new drama or trauma guaranteed to kick up your stress levels and get you parting with $100 or a place to stay for a couple of weeks.

 

Have you ever wondered why toxic people don’t like you to have other friends/a network of support beyond him or her? An abuser doesn’t let the partner he’s using for a literal or emotional punching bag make friends. Toxic people don’t befriend you or date you.

 

They take you hostage.

 

And it’s for good reason. Keeping you in a constant state of stress is very advantageous to the toxic person’s agenda. Can’t have you thinking too clearly. Might realize you’re making dumb decisions. And worse, might change things.

 

In the earlier blogs, I discussed the importance of active questioning and listening. Thus, when you’re out on the town and meet that hot guy, but then all he does is talk about his ex-girlfriend, how he lost his job, and his dog died…RUN!!! Don’t give him excuses or feel sorry for him. Do not be fooled by those disarming puppy dog eyes he flashes as he tells you he needs to fight for custody of his kids because his ex-wife is psychotic and he fears for the children’s safety.  While it all may be true, it is also a ploy to gut hook you and reel you into his agenda. 

 

Any of you happened to see The Neverending Story? Remember Atreyu struggling through the Bog of Despair while evil pursued? And he stays too long in the swamp and the horse succumbs to the hopelessness and sinks below the murk to its death? And all of us cried because it was super sad?

 

Yep. Same thing here.

 

Stick around toxic people too long and you risk getting sucked into your own Bog of Despair. 

 

And the most important lesson here is to respect stress. Respect its effects the way you should alcohol. Why do we make certain to have a designated driver? Because when we’re sober, we think clearly and know that driving drunk is a very poor decision. Yet, the problem with alcohol is it removes our ability to think with the higher brain functions. Stress does the same thing. It limits/obliterates clear thought.

 

That’s why it is a very good idea to have people close to you whom you respect to step in and 1) force you to back away and take a break, 2) convince you to take a vacation, 3) give you a reality check, 4) take on some of the burden, 5) run interference with toxic people.

 

Handing the ball to someone you trust is a sign of prudence, not weakness, especially when dealing with toxic people. All of us have buttons, but fortunately, our buttons are different. Your mother-in-law who drives you to wanting to stand on rooftops with an automatic weapon might not remotely bother your wife or best friend or pal from church. Let them deal with her and then offer to reciprocate when they need a “heat tile,” as I like to call it.

 

Interrogators do the same thing. They take great care to keep a bead on their own levels of stress. Their colleagues also keep a watchful eye. If stress reaches a critical point, they know it is wise to turn a suspect over to another interrogator who is either in a better frame of mind, or not as riled by that particular suspect’s emotional assaults/levers.

 

And if these people who are the definition of toughness, yet their behavior demonstrates clear respect for stress and what it can do. We would be wise to follow their example.

 

Until next time…