Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Part V

In Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas—Part IV, I asserted that there existed three main components to human socialization—Analysis, Manipulation, and Endgame. The purpose of today’s blog is to discuss Manipulation. But, before we go any further, I think it is best to give a couple of definitions for clarity.

 

Manipulate is defined in Webster’s as to manage or influence shrewdly or deviously.

 

Manipulation is defined as the act of manipulating or the state of being manipulated.

 

Shrewd is defined as 1. Having keen insight: ASTUTE 2. Artful and cunning.

 

Devious is defined as not straightforward: SHIFTY.

 

Now, the first observation I made (being the artful cunning person I am) was that the definitions regarding manipulation fractured dichotomously (in two). Notice the split. In the first, there is a choice to influence a) shrewdly or b) deviously. In the second, one can a) manipulate or b) be manipulated. I think this is an interesting point to observe, because it is highly applicable to our lesson for today.

 

We all manipulate. Unless you are in a room by yourself or stranded on a desert island, it is impossible not to manipulate. Notice the first definition basically was a statement of reality. Either a) you’re manipulating or b) you’re being manipulated. Notice there wasn’t a third choice of live in your closet forever.

 

Manipulation, in and of itself, is not inherently bad. What can be bad is the motive behind the manipulation—is it shrewd or devious? This is why the self-analysis is so important. Take time to thoughtfully assess the motivations behind your interactions. Sometimes, they will surprise you if you dig deep and pull back the layers.

 

Since all of us were babies, we’ve been manipulating. The first time we noticed the word “Ma-Ma” or “Da-Da” elicited a far better response than any of our other snorts, gurgles, or shrieks, we were hooked. We rapidly learned that “shit” made Dad laugh, but didn’t go over so well with Mom. That’s when we learned to choose our audience and vary our tactics (until the gig was up and it didn’t work so well for us anymore).

 

By toddler-hood, we’d become experts at categorizing information. For instance, whenever we scraped a knee, we noticed that upping the amperage on the tears either a) earned us doting attention and a cookie—good for use later, or b) a swat on the tush and a sharp admonition about some boy who cried wolf, whoever the hell he was—not good for use later. Finger-painting the paper—good. Finger-painting the dog—bad. So forth and so on.

 

Thus, over the course of our development, we collected and categorized information based on experience. This information was then defined by social parameters, value systems, and cultural norms.

 

For instance, I come from a Northern European family who are not particularly demonstrative of emotion. That was why when I broke my ankle, it elicited an, “Oh—insert choice expletive here—I need to go to the emergency room” instead of a dramatic display of howling tears (frankly, my parents would have killed me). My mother, strong Scandinavian woman she is, also happens to be a nurse. When I was a kid, she refused to allow us to fall apart when injured—made us triage the injury. Thus, my “information” was shaped by these parameters of culture, background, and values. I learned what was acceptable and unacceptable through series of trial and error, just like you did.

 

Thus, we have established that all of us are either a) manipulating b) being manipulated or c) in denial. The problem, as I stated earlier, is not manipulation. The problem is that people who deny they’re manipulating are doing themselves a disservice. First, because you cannot assess what you fail to address. It is impossible for you to decipher motivations behind something you don’t believe you’re doing. Secondly, since you are not cognizant of your actions, you cannot strategize, which will severely hinder success.

 

The purpose of this blog is to make you a master at communication with the purpose of creating fulfilling relationships. This said, I’m going to be blunt. The tactics I’ll teach you (more so in the book) will give you amazing skills for getting what you want. But, I must add a caveat. You will reap what you sow. Plant deviousness and deception, and I don’t want to be around at harvest time. You’ll deserve what you get.

 

Moving on…

 

Once you do your self-analysis (weaknesses, strengths, blind spots, goals, fears) you will be better prepared to manipulate people and circumstances in a positive direction. Now, you will graduate from random manipulation to skilled maneuvering.

 

Skilled Maneuvering is a tactic for getting what you want while creating win-win results. Basically, it is the ability to move people up or down on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, depending on what you wish to accomplish. In the book, I will teach you how to profile people. That is a critical skill to learn if you wish to be successful in relationships.

 

Maslow’s Hierarchy states that humans travel along a hierarchy of 5 needs. Each level has to be satisfied in order to progress to the next tier.

 

Biological and Physical Needs Basic life needs such as air, food, water, shelter, warmth, sex, and sleep——àSafety Needs Protection, safety, law, order, limits, stability, etc.———àBelongingness and Love Needs Family, affection, relationships, work groups and so on—-à Esteem Needs Achievement, Status, responsibility, and reputation—————-à Self-Actualization Personal Growth and fulfillment.

 

Thus, if one understands that human beings cannot progress to the next level of the hierarchy without fulfilling the ones below, this offers amazing insight.

 

For instance, if you want to date (and I am going to assume you have profiled yourself), then you need to employ active questioning/listening to assess where the other person is positioned on the Hierarchy of Needs. Profile them and assess your strategy—Acquisition Plan or Exit Plan.

 

For you men out there, if you flirt with a pretty lady and she confesses she is in the middle of a nasty divorce/custody battle, then she is probably sitting on Level One, and Level Two (need for safety, limits, stability) is likely unfulfilled. These are dangerous waters. This means if you go out with her, the motive behind her attraction to you will be birthed from a need for stability and order, NOT a need for a fulfilling relationship. To use a technical term—this is bad juju.

 

I think this is why it is so important for people to take time to heal after ending a love relationship. You are not operating off the ideal tier of the hierarchy and this will color any relationships you create—again, why it is imperative to profile yourself FIRST.

 

Employ this tactic and you graduate from playing Relationship Tiddly Winks to playing Relationship Chess. By employing random manipulation (which is what most people do) you’re operating with a limited field of vision. All you see is a pretty woman who is responsive to your flirtations. The questions you ask more closely resemble “What’s your favorite kind of music?” as opposed to any meaningful questions which would allow you to 1) gather valuable data 2) assess her ranking on the hierarchy and then 3) formulate your strategy—Acquisition or Exit.

 

By utilizing skilled maneuvering, you become keenly aware of your own positioning, but, more importantly, you now are aware of the other person’s positioning in relation to your own.

 

***Remember they are manipulating, too.

 

Use skilled maneuvering to get what you want by moving people up, down, or down then up the hierarchy of needs. I am going to give examples of all three, and, to keep this simple, we will assume the person doing the maneuvering is at least beyond the second tier of the hierarchy.

 

Example One—Moving Others Up the Hierarchy

 

Sheila is an active philanthropist who meets Frank, a man she’d like to date. By employing active questioning/listening, she has assessed that he is a stable guy, never married, has lived in the same house for three years. He likes his job and gets along with his family. In the course of conversation, she discovers that, although Frank enjoys his work, he feels guilty he isn’t doing more for his community.

 

She can assess this by asking if he volunteers and then gauge his response accordingly. If she gets a negative response, then she knows to move on. If Frank doesn’t share her philanthropic passion then this is a potential point of conflict/waste of time. Yet, when she hears that Frank feels a need to serve, she now knows the next level of the hierarchy for Frank. She also knows this is a need she can fulfill by suggesting he visit her Optimist Club. Sheila has now positioned herself as a strong dating candidate for Frank because she fulfills an unmet need.

 

Example Two—Moving Others Down the Hierarchy

 

This tactic is highly useful for shutting down conflict and creating closeness in relationships.

 

Sarah’s sister Becky is a single mother who is dedicated to her career. Sarah has always supported sister’s career by watching her children, loaning her money, and picking up any slack left by Becky’s busy schedule.

 

Becky climbs the corporate ladder and is making good money. She’s also winning awards and accolades for her achievements. Yet, Sarah suddenly notices her sister has time to socialize with her “job friends” but only calls her when she needs someone to pick up Timmy from soccer practice. Sarah feels she is being taken for granted, and this is the beginning of a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Since Becky is sitting up in the Esteem Needs section of the hierarchy, Sarah must bump her down. Next time her sister calls in a panic because she needs a last-minute babysitter, Sarah needs to not answer the phone. This should effectively bump Becky down into needing the Belongingness and Love Needs to be fulfilled. Hopefully, this tumble down the hierarchy will teach Becky not to be so flippant in regards to how she treats her sister, and they can progress in a functional, healthy direction.

 

Example Three—Moving Others Down then Up the Hierarchy

 

This strategy is a wonderful tool in sales, and I’ll give a personal example.

 

I used to work in packaging and sold what is called corner board. Corner boards are thick boards of paper used to stabilize pallets and keep them from collapsing. Corner board made improperly can crumple, and then we have a pallet of ruined product, or worse, a smooshed warehouse worker and a hefty lawsuit.

 

Employing active questioning/listening, I would assess whether or not the company I was trying to sell my product ever had a pallet collapse. If they hadn’t, I would show pictures I’d taken of mangled products in other warehouses from corner board failure. This often moved the buyer down from the Belongingness tier into the Safety Needs tier.

 

He no longer was as confident this couldn’t be a picture taken in his own warehouse. All I needed to do was mention, “Yeah, it’s a good thing no one was standing in that spot when all those computers toppled” and suddenly I had a worried buyer. But, then I’d mention how long our company had been in business, how we had a reputation for quality and applied rigorous standards of inspection, and—voila!—I’d effectively moved this fellow back up the hierarchy, and boy was he happy to be back.

 

Now you realize how important it is to face your manipulative nature and embrace it for the positive. All these tactics can be employed to create win-win situations. Sheila and Frank can marry and live happily ever after. Sarah and Becky can have a rich sister-sister relationship based on respect. And I was able to sell good product to good people because I’d witness pallets collapse, and I happened to genuinely believe in my product.

 

I hope all of you will now graduate from using random manipulation to employing skilled maneuvering to create wonderful relationships based on mutual respect.

 

Until next time.