Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas–Part V

In Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas—Part IV, I asserted that there existed three main components to human socialization—Analysis, Manipulation, and Endgame. The purpose of today’s blog is to discuss Manipulation. But, before we go any further, I think it is best to give a couple of definitions for clarity.

 

Manipulate is defined in Webster’s as to manage or influence shrewdly or deviously.

 

Manipulation is defined as the act of manipulating or the state of being manipulated.

 

Shrewd is defined as 1. Having keen insight: ASTUTE 2. Artful and cunning.

 

Devious is defined as not straightforward: SHIFTY.

 

Now, the first observation I made (being the artful cunning person I am) was that the definitions regarding manipulation fractured dichotomously (in two). Notice the split. In the first, there is a choice to influence a) shrewdly or b) deviously. In the second, one can a) manipulate or b) be manipulated. I think this is an interesting point to observe, because it is highly applicable to our lesson for today.

 

We all manipulate. Unless you are in a room by yourself or stranded on a desert island, it is impossible not to manipulate. Notice the first definition basically was a statement of reality. Either a) you’re manipulating or b) you’re being manipulated. Notice there wasn’t a third choice of live in your closet forever.

 

Manipulation, in and of itself, is not inherently bad. What can be bad is the motive behind the manipulation—is it shrewd or devious? This is why the self-analysis is so important. Take time to thoughtfully assess the motivations behind your interactions. Sometimes, they will surprise you if you dig deep and pull back the layers.

 

Since all of us were babies, we’ve been manipulating. The first time we noticed the word “Ma-Ma” or “Da-Da” elicited a far better response than any of our other snorts, gurgles, or shrieks, we were hooked. We rapidly learned that “shit” made Dad laugh, but didn’t go over so well with Mom. That’s when we learned to choose our audience and vary our tactics (until the gig was up and it didn’t work so well for us anymore).

 

By toddler-hood, we’d become experts at categorizing information. For instance, whenever we scraped a knee, we noticed that upping the amperage on the tears either a) earned us doting attention and a cookie—good for use later, or b) a swat on the tush and a sharp admonition about some boy who cried wolf, whoever the hell he was—not good for use later. Finger-painting the paper—good. Finger-painting the dog—bad. So forth and so on.

 

Thus, over the course of our development, we collected and categorized information based on experience. This information was then defined by social parameters, value systems, and cultural norms.

 

For instance, I come from a Northern European family who are not particularly demonstrative of emotion. That was why when I broke my ankle, it elicited an, “Oh—insert choice expletive here—I need to go to the emergency room” instead of a dramatic display of howling tears (frankly, my parents would have killed me). My mother, strong Scandinavian woman she is, also happens to be a nurse. When I was a kid, she refused to allow us to fall apart when injured—made us triage the injury. Thus, my “information” was shaped by these parameters of culture, background, and values. I learned what was acceptable and unacceptable through series of trial and error, just like you did.

 

Thus, we have established that all of us are either a) manipulating b) being manipulated or c) in denial. The problem, as I stated earlier, is not manipulation. The problem is that people who deny they’re manipulating are doing themselves a disservice. First, because you cannot assess what you fail to address. It is impossible for you to decipher motivations behind something you don’t believe you’re doing. Secondly, since you are not cognizant of your actions, you cannot strategize, which will severely hinder success.

 

The purpose of this blog is to make you a master at communication with the purpose of creating fulfilling relationships. This said, I’m going to be blunt. The tactics I’ll teach you (more so in the book) will give you amazing skills for getting what you want. But, I must add a caveat. You will reap what you sow. Plant deviousness and deception, and I don’t want to be around at harvest time. You’ll deserve what you get.

 

Moving on…

 

Once you do your self-analysis (weaknesses, strengths, blind spots, goals, fears) you will be better prepared to manipulate people and circumstances in a positive direction. Now, you will graduate from random manipulation to skilled maneuvering.

 

Skilled Maneuvering is a tactic for getting what you want while creating win-win results. Basically, it is the ability to move people up or down on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, depending on what you wish to accomplish. In the book, I will teach you how to profile people. That is a critical skill to learn if you wish to be successful in relationships.

 

Maslow’s Hierarchy states that humans travel along a hierarchy of 5 needs. Each level has to be satisfied in order to progress to the next tier.

 

Biological and Physical Needs Basic life needs such as air, food, water, shelter, warmth, sex, and sleep——àSafety Needs Protection, safety, law, order, limits, stability, etc.———àBelongingness and Love Needs Family, affection, relationships, work groups and so on—-à Esteem Needs Achievement, Status, responsibility, and reputation—————-à Self-Actualization Personal Growth and fulfillment.

 

Thus, if one understands that human beings cannot progress to the next level of the hierarchy without fulfilling the ones below, this offers amazing insight.

 

For instance, if you want to date (and I am going to assume you have profiled yourself), then you need to employ active questioning/listening to assess where the other person is positioned on the Hierarchy of Needs. Profile them and assess your strategy—Acquisition Plan or Exit Plan.

 

For you men out there, if you flirt with a pretty lady and she confesses she is in the middle of a nasty divorce/custody battle, then she is probably sitting on Level One, and Level Two (need for safety, limits, stability) is likely unfulfilled. These are dangerous waters. This means if you go out with her, the motive behind her attraction to you will be birthed from a need for stability and order, NOT a need for a fulfilling relationship. To use a technical term—this is bad juju.

 

I think this is why it is so important for people to take time to heal after ending a love relationship. You are not operating off the ideal tier of the hierarchy and this will color any relationships you create—again, why it is imperative to profile yourself FIRST.

 

Employ this tactic and you graduate from playing Relationship Tiddly Winks to playing Relationship Chess. By employing random manipulation (which is what most people do) you’re operating with a limited field of vision. All you see is a pretty woman who is responsive to your flirtations. The questions you ask more closely resemble “What’s your favorite kind of music?” as opposed to any meaningful questions which would allow you to 1) gather valuable data 2) assess her ranking on the hierarchy and then 3) formulate your strategy—Acquisition or Exit.

 

By utilizing skilled maneuvering, you become keenly aware of your own positioning, but, more importantly, you now are aware of the other person’s positioning in relation to your own.

 

***Remember they are manipulating, too.

 

Use skilled maneuvering to get what you want by moving people up, down, or down then up the hierarchy of needs. I am going to give examples of all three, and, to keep this simple, we will assume the person doing the maneuvering is at least beyond the second tier of the hierarchy.

 

Example One—Moving Others Up the Hierarchy

 

Sheila is an active philanthropist who meets Frank, a man she’d like to date. By employing active questioning/listening, she has assessed that he is a stable guy, never married, has lived in the same house for three years. He likes his job and gets along with his family. In the course of conversation, she discovers that, although Frank enjoys his work, he feels guilty he isn’t doing more for his community.

 

She can assess this by asking if he volunteers and then gauge his response accordingly. If she gets a negative response, then she knows to move on. If Frank doesn’t share her philanthropic passion then this is a potential point of conflict/waste of time. Yet, when she hears that Frank feels a need to serve, she now knows the next level of the hierarchy for Frank. She also knows this is a need she can fulfill by suggesting he visit her Optimist Club. Sheila has now positioned herself as a strong dating candidate for Frank because she fulfills an unmet need.

 

Example Two—Moving Others Down the Hierarchy

 

This tactic is highly useful for shutting down conflict and creating closeness in relationships.

 

Sarah’s sister Becky is a single mother who is dedicated to her career. Sarah has always supported sister’s career by watching her children, loaning her money, and picking up any slack left by Becky’s busy schedule.

 

Becky climbs the corporate ladder and is making good money. She’s also winning awards and accolades for her achievements. Yet, Sarah suddenly notices her sister has time to socialize with her “job friends” but only calls her when she needs someone to pick up Timmy from soccer practice. Sarah feels she is being taken for granted, and this is the beginning of a dysfunctional relationship.

 

Since Becky is sitting up in the Esteem Needs section of the hierarchy, Sarah must bump her down. Next time her sister calls in a panic because she needs a last-minute babysitter, Sarah needs to not answer the phone. This should effectively bump Becky down into needing the Belongingness and Love Needs to be fulfilled. Hopefully, this tumble down the hierarchy will teach Becky not to be so flippant in regards to how she treats her sister, and they can progress in a functional, healthy direction.

 

Example Three—Moving Others Down then Up the Hierarchy

 

This strategy is a wonderful tool in sales, and I’ll give a personal example.

 

I used to work in packaging and sold what is called corner board. Corner boards are thick boards of paper used to stabilize pallets and keep them from collapsing. Corner board made improperly can crumple, and then we have a pallet of ruined product, or worse, a smooshed warehouse worker and a hefty lawsuit.

 

Employing active questioning/listening, I would assess whether or not the company I was trying to sell my product ever had a pallet collapse. If they hadn’t, I would show pictures I’d taken of mangled products in other warehouses from corner board failure. This often moved the buyer down from the Belongingness tier into the Safety Needs tier.

 

He no longer was as confident this couldn’t be a picture taken in his own warehouse. All I needed to do was mention, “Yeah, it’s a good thing no one was standing in that spot when all those computers toppled” and suddenly I had a worried buyer. But, then I’d mention how long our company had been in business, how we had a reputation for quality and applied rigorous standards of inspection, and—voila!—I’d effectively moved this fellow back up the hierarchy, and boy was he happy to be back.

 

Now you realize how important it is to face your manipulative nature and embrace it for the positive. All these tactics can be employed to create win-win situations. Sheila and Frank can marry and live happily ever after. Sarah and Becky can have a rich sister-sister relationship based on respect. And I was able to sell good product to good people because I’d witness pallets collapse, and I happened to genuinely believe in my product.

 

I hope all of you will now graduate from using random manipulation to employing skilled maneuvering to create wonderful relationships based on mutual respect.

 

Until next time.

 

 

 

Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas–Part Four

The purpose of this blog is to make you into a better communicator and, by proxy, improve your relationships. This said, for you to truly grow in this process, it is imperative to abandon preconceptions and set aside what you think you already know.

 

To illustrate…

 

When I was in college, I worked as a full-time Ju-Jitsu instructor. This might sound glamorous, but it pretty much involved getting the crap kicked out of me for five hours a day. Why? Because I was the teacher, and newbies don’t know how to fall yet without breaking. And, since most people do not have the discipline to study martial arts long-term, this meant I always had a class full of enthusiastic amateurs who’d seen far too many Steven Segal movies. Now, Ju-Jitsu involves A LOT of throws and joint locks. Students learn by doing. And who were they “doing it” on?

 

You guessed it. Me.

 

So, why do you think I shared this tidbit of information (other than it’s kinda cool)? Two reasons. First, the best students were the ones who were unafraid to admit they were ignorant. Secondly, they had to abandon preconceived notions or risk getting seriously injured. Most people find it hard to believe that a 5’3”, 115 pound female can throw a 6’5”, 235 pound male. Yet, if the student cannot suspend disbelief, then they will hesitate at critical points that can get them hurt.

 

***Momentum and low center of gravity are key to most throws. Any hesitation along the arc effectively neutralizes the inertia necessary for successful completion of the move.

 

This series, for you, is training. You are honing your skills in navigating the shark-infested waters of human relations. In order for you to get the best results, you have to be open to the lesson. Why the caveat? Because some things I will address are likely to make you uncomfortable.

 

All the fancy trappings aside, humans are animals. To put it more accurately and perhaps more bluntly, we are pack animals. Thus, we are in a continuous process of jockeying for position. Analysis, Manipulation, & Endgame are three integral components of human socialization. To keep this blog from being far too long, I will address only the first one today—Analysis. 

 

 

“It is said that if you know your enemies and you know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies, but you do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.”—Sun Tzu, “The Art of War”

 

 

I think one of the biggest problems individuals have in creating solid relationships is a lack of proper analysis. If life is a game, what game are you playing? Do you view human interaction like a chess match, or are you shooting Tiddly Winks? You can laugh all you like, but how many people do you know approach romance/career as a game of numbers as opposed to a game of strategy?

 

Moving on…

 

Our buddy Sun Tzu brought up the three critical nodes of human interaction:

 

1)      Know yourself.

2)      Know your enemy.

3)      Know both yourself and the enemy.

 

First, how many of you reading this truly know yourself? Have you taken time to write down your strengths and weaknesses? Have you asked others whom you respect for input on your strengths and weaknesses? What are your goals for life, career, or love? Have you written them down? On what points will you or will you not be open to compromise? Do you even know? What type of person would make the best compliment to your strengths/weaknesses? What sort of career would make the most of your talents? If you haven’t already done this, today is a good time to begin.

 

As an illustration:

 

Have you ever seen someone driving through a city with no clear idea of where they are going? They sort of weave back and forth. Their speed is inconsistent. They make random stops and starts that frustrate anyone in close proximity.

 

Contrast that with the person who printed off a map ahead of time and made a clear list of landmarks that would indicate they were on the correct path. I guarantee there is a marked difference in the confidence/speed/maneuverability of the latter.

 

Which driver are you?

 

Secondly, know your enemy—or, for the purposes of this blog, know your goal. What is it you want? What are you going to have to do/give up/take on to get it? Do a cost-benefit analysis (that word again). Is the energy you will expend going to be worth the prize?

 

Now that you know yourself (strengths, weaknesses, needs, values, etc.) and you know your enemy (goal), you are ready for stage three…knowing yourself and your enemy on the battlefield.

 

Once you have established the above criterion, you will have far better chance at becoming what I call, the skilled conversationalist. The skilled conversationalist directs the conversation and employs strategy to rapidly gain valuable insight and avoid wasting precious time/resources.

 

How many times have you been part of a conversation and actively questioned the other party? The skilled conversationalist knows how to guide the topics to gather what are called “source leads.” Source leads are a culmination of facts, opinions, and reactions that can serve as vital information.

 

I’ll give you a for instance.

 

Karen’s pals, one night, decide to take her out on the town. A handsome, well-dressed guy named Matt approaches and begins a conversation.

 

Now, our girl can bat her eyelashes and fly along with whimsy and feelings. Or, she can be an active conversationalist and avoid wasting precious time by gently introducing topics and then paying attention to body language.

 

For instance, she might ask, “Where did you go to school?”

 

Most people with a college degree will answer what university they attended. However, if Matt says, “Such-and-such High School,” then she knows with fair certainty he lacks a formal degree. If possessing an advanced degree is a must for Karen (we are assuming she has done a self-evaluation—know yourself), then she can politely extract herself from the conversation without any hurt feelings.

 

But, let’s take this a step further…

 

What if Karen doesn’t care if the person has a formal degree, but has dealt with males who felt insecure because of her level of education? She can quickly “test the waters” by paying close attention to the sentences following her question. This is part of knowing the enemy (goal).

 

There is a big difference between:

 

a)      “I went to Such-and-such High School. I never did get why a degree is so important. I mean most of that stuff you’ll never use anyway.”

 

b)      “I went to Such-and-such High School. My passion is working with my hands, so I decided to start my own custom cabinet business after graduation.”

 

Analysis makes the critical difference. Karen is now able to save a lot of time and needless arguments by quickly delving into the heart of the matter and terminating any further progress along a romantic path if certain vital criteria are not met—knowing both herself and the enemy (goal).

 

If Karen has done her self-evaluation and determined she is only willing to date men who are degreed, physically active Christian males, then she has three clear areas where she can discreetly steer the conversation and run down her checklist. Karen’s groundwork can more effectively help her hone in on the right guy while avoiding relationships that, frankly, are doomed from the start.

 

***Note–It is NOT NICE to play Tiddly Winks with other people’s feelings/resources.

 

Recall what I said earlier about abandoning preconceived notions? Applying a strict checklist to romance might sound cold, and active questioning might seem crass. I mean, where is the passion? Yet, I believe that, in the end, this type of sorting process is the greatest way one can demonstrate respect for another human being. Not only are you saying your time is valuable, but you are also acknowledging the other person’s time is equally valuable.

 

This sort of analysis (checklists/active questioning) applies to your professional life as well. By taking time to employ strategy, you will be able to focus on finding a job/career you find fulfilling. Additionally, you save employers from wasting valuable time and energy they could have spent developing someone more suited for their company. This engenders respect, the fulcrum of all relationships.

 

In Ju-Jitsu, hesitating mid-throw can severely injure you and the person going over your shoulder. Similarly, hesitation and uncertainty in relationships can be emotionally devastating. This is why it is so critical for you to “go to the mats” as prepared and focused as possible. To do this, you must employ analysis to yourself and to the situation. This way, you minimize the risk of injury to yourself and others, and maximize the opportunities for success for all parties concerned.

 

Until next time.

 

 

Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas–Part Three

Now we move on to the triad of communication—Repetitions, Omissions and the Personal Pronoun “I.”

 

You will need pen and paper for later.

 

Most people, whether they want to believe it or not, really are an open book. They will tell you all their needs, wants, fears, and desires, often without doing so consciously. This is why it is incumbent upon you to become 1) a good listener and 2) more aware of what you’re saying to others.

 

Repetitions are an invaluable way to understand what others find important. Pay attention during conversations, especially when you are first meeting another person. What did this individual take time to mention more than once? Did they mention it in virtually the same fashion? Or, has it shifted? Pay attention to any noticeable deviations.

 

***Remember. Our strongest defenses are built around our greatest weaknesses.

 

Discernable shifts usually indicate one of two things. Either the person is insecure about this topic, or they are being deceptive.

 

Let’s give an example:

 

John meets Lisa and thinks she’s cute. She seems receptive to his entreaties, so John asks, “Do you have a boyfriend?” Lisa says no, but then she mentions her “ex” boyfriend four more times in the next fifteen minutes.

 

****BIG WARNING FLAG****

 

Lisa can say she is single all she likes, but this in no way means she is emotionally available. Now, depending upon the context of the conversation, it would be pretty clear that Lisa is either a) broken up with her boyfriend, but the emotions are still unresolved, or b) she isn’t broken up at all, and only after the flirting ensued did Lisa begin to feel guilt. Lisa’s mentioning of her boyfriend multiple times is subconscious sabotage either way, and John would be a wise man to just leave well enough alone.

 

Omissions are the flip-side of repetition. What do people choose to leave out? Again, this generally means one of two things. Either said topic just is not at the top of the list of priorities, or this individual is deliberately leaving out information in order to control where the conversation leads (often with the purpose of being deceptive/evasive).

 

***Remember. People will naturally avoid the uncomfortable/painful.

 

If Greg goes on a date with Sarah (who he knows has kids) and yet she never mentions them the entire night, then that might be a point to note. If family is very important to Greg, but all Sarah talks about is her career, then this is a clear indication that, as a couple, they might not be on the same page. Perhaps Sarah is self-centered, and the children are merely trophies. Greg would have to focus on future conversations and study Lisa’s actions to gain more accurate insight. But, the fact that the children are “omitted” from conversation (when they really should be mentioned to some degree) is a red flag.

 

To take this to the next level…

 

Sarah might have led a very wild life when she was younger. Three children from three different fathers is an embarrassment for her. Although she loves her children dearly, she thinks Greg is a great guy and doesn’t wish him to think poorly of her. Thus, by omitting an uncomfortable topic (her children) she can steer the conversation toward her strengths (career) while delaying Greg knowing about her weakness. Perhaps she is hoping to forge a more solid friendship before delving into that subject.

 

Or, a not so nefarious example…

 

Sarah was married to a police officer killed in the line of duty. Even though it has been four years and she knows she needs to move on, she feels guilty and as if she is somehow “betraying” her deceased husband. She doesn’t mention the children because, again, she is steering conversation away from discomfort/weakness. She knows it is too soon to lay an emotional burden of this magnitude on a date and is being considerate.

 

***Not all deception is inherently bad.

 

Repetitions and omissions are not gospel. They are simply red flags that should give you pause to pay attention to what someone does and see if their actions are congruent with their words or lack thereof.

 

Now we move onto my personal favorite—the Personal Pronoun “I.” Did you know that it is impossible for you to lie in handwriting? Seriously. Sociopaths and nut jobs aside, the average person CANNOT lie in their handwriting, and I’ll prove it.

 

Take out that pen and pad and write (at normal flow) something you know to be true. For now, you can keep it simple.

 

I.e.: I could write, “I am a Texan.”

 

Now write something very far from the truth. I would write, say, “I am a Californian.”

 

Did you see what happened? On paper, my “I am a Texan,” would have close/normal spacing (because I am from Texas). Yet, when I write, “I am a Californian,” the spacing changes. It may look more like, “I   am    a Californian.” Why? Because my subconscious KNOWS this is NOT true. Remember, people have a natural tendency to distance themselves from the unpleasant (lies). The stronger the emotion attached, the more the spacing will shift.

 

For instance, if I tried to write “I love Bill (my ex from my college days),” it would look a lot like, “I         love       Bill.” My level of emotional discomfort will pitch once the sentence is tethered to a more emotionally charged topic.

 

Try it with your own past flames. Trippy, isn’t it? Your brain will not allow you to lie. You will find that you have to significantly slow your writing speed and “force” the spacing. Crazy stuff. I know.

 

Now, we can take this a step further.

 

***Remember. All people protect their “I.”

 

Thus, if this pronoun is omitted in the course of conversation, e-mail, whatever, then this is a signal that either a) this person is not ready to emotionally vest themselves this far yet, or b) the person is being (intentionally or unintentionally) deceptive.

 

So, if your girlfriend suddenly goes from consistently saying “I love you,” to only “Love you,” better take a look and see what is going on. This is a sign she is protecting her “I” and if you want the relationship to grow, you need to find out why that is. Are you doing something that is making her insecure? Are you demonstrating behavior that would make her feel loved? Is she showing signs of needing space? If you don’t pay attention, she’ll need her space, all right—and the other half of that sentence will be “without you in it.”

 

The “I” is the soft underbelly of communication. Thus, unless you are naïve/gullible (and I have been called that), the natural tendency will be to protect the “I”, either by spacing it out further or omitting it altogether.

 

I recently received a hand-written note from an individual I met at a conference:

 

It began with my name (spelled correctly, which is a good sign) and then said:

 

Enjoyed    meeting in   OK City!

 

Now, let’s keep in mind that this person took the time to 1) hand-write a note and to 2) deliberately use my name. Yet, the lack of “I” and the spacing tells me that this person is keeping me at arm’s length (which would only be logical to expect from someone you just met/barely know). Now, the exclamation point used at the end, is a VERY positive sign. When people take the time to punctuate, then they are certifying a truth. This person did enjoy meeting me.

 

***Remember. Emotionally healthy people protect their “I.” It is emotionally dangerous/unhealthy to wear your heart on your sleeve.

 

This concept is useful in all types of interactions. Have you ever been fired? Did they say, “I think this is not the best position for you?” Or, was it more like, “Management has noticed yada yada yada?” Bet you money it was the latter. People protect their “I” from uncomfortable situations. Plain and simple.

 

So what does all this mean to you? It means that communication is a two-way street. Knowledge is power. Be cognizant of what others are repeating and omitting. Pay attention to the context of the conversation and that person’s behaviors and make certain all are in alignment. This will save you an invaluable amount of time, particularly in dating.

 

Pay attention to your “I” and the “I” of others (if that made sense, lol). The “I” is valuable and should be safeguarded. Yet, there comes a time when vulnerability is necessary for relationship to thrive. Hopefully, that’s when it becomes a “we” but that is a topic for another day.

 

Until next time.

 

Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas–Part Two

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas Part One addressed mainly electronic media (I.e. e-mail) and how much insight one can gain just by slowing down and paying attention to what is said versus what is written. And, yes, there is a difference, which leads us directly to the next leg of your journey toward becoming a more effective communicator.

 

A little background before we begin…

 

I worked for some time as a technical writer for a forensic firm specializing in Questioned Document Analysis (Q.D.A.). It was my duty to write training manuals and guidelines so it would be easier to bring “new hires” up to speed when they came to work for the lab. In a world rife with fraud, forgery, identity theft and other nefarious criminal deeds, it is important to have people with the skills to put the guilty in jail and keep the innocent free. Thus, attention to detail is of the utmost importance.

 

I still remember the day I interviewed for the job. The lead investigator introduced himself and shook my hand. He requested that, before we went any further, he needed me to give him a handwriting sample. Although caught a tad off-guard, I took the ballpoint pen and pad of paper from his hand and complied by writing all the words/sentences he told me to write.

 

He said nothing (totally unnerving) and studied the paper for a few minutes while sipping his iced tea. Then, after what felt like an hour, he took a deep breath and proceeded to tell me everything about myself. And I mean EVERYTHING. Even that I’d had my wisdom teeth removed.

 

***There is a neurological hiccup created by certain surgeries that will affect the flow of certain letters.

 

I knew I had to get this assignment. I had to know how he’d done it.

 

Needless to say, he hired me, and I spent the next few months shadowing his every move. Although I could write an entire book about the fascinating aspects of Q.D.A., that really isn’t the purpose for this blog. Perhaps another time. Suffice it to say that Q.D.A. and graphology (the study of handwriting) taught me a lot about human nature and how we communicate.

 

You are probably curious how in the world handwriting can transfer over into the electronic media or verbal communication. I’ll tell you in one word—structure. Whether one is speaking, texting, writing an e-mail, composing a hand-written letter, the common denominator is the structure—how the sentence or sentences are put together.

 

In the spirit of brevity, we will address only one aspect of communication structure.

 

First and foremost is RANKING (our topic for today). How people rank things is amazingly telling. It reveals how this individual defines him/herself and also gives insight into what this person believes to be most important.

 

An example of a structure to define identity:

 

You meet Susan. Over the course of the conversation, she mentions (in this order) that she is “a mother, an R.N., and wife.” What does this mean?

 

A number of realities become clear. Obviously, Susan’s three-pronged validation is parent, profession, partnership. These three are important. In fact they are the most important things in her life. Why? Because they were the first facts she revealed in the course of communication.

 

Now let us take a closer look at the order. Susan mentions first that she is a mother. Obviously this is of number one importance. But, then her role as a mother is followed by her profession. This is of interest and can mean a number of things. Is she newly married and unaccustomed to thinking of herself as a wife? Is there tension in the marriage and her career is being used as a “buffer” in between? Notice again the ranking. Has she been married a long time, and she and her husband have drifted apart?

 

It is clear that Susan’s husband is still important. Why? Because he made the top three. It also appears doubtful there is any animosity between her and her husband. If there was, I doubt he would have made it that far up on the list. But, he isn’t first. This is a signal to listen for other telling details.

 

Thus, whenever someone says in an e-mail, phone call, etc. that they need your travel itinerary for the next week, the brochures for a potential client, and a cup of coffee from Starbucks, you know the ranking of importance. Now, if this individual mentioned coffee first, you see how the dynamics totally shift along with the tone. In the first, coffee is almost an afterthought. In the second, it now is of utmost importance.

 

So, when you are communicating to others, what are you really saying? How are you introducing yourself? Are you defining your “top three” in negative terms? “Hi, I’m Joe. Yeah, just got divorced and I’m in the middle of fighting for custody. But it seems women just don’t want a nice guy these days.” All I have to say is “gasp.”

 

And you laugh, but we have ALL done it.

 

Additionally, when you ask people to do something, are you ranking the items in correct order of importance? It is human nature to follow the order you have chosen. We will naturally assume if you mentioned it first, it is the top priority. This said are you taking enough time to understand what is most important? Or, are you saying/writing just anything and then feeling disappointed the person didn’t know to do blah-blah-blah before anything else.

 

Beware, though. Conflict will often reverse the order of importance. Unless you are a sociopath or a nut job, most people do not like conflict. They will do everything to distance themselves from what is really bothering them. Thus, when communicating under the cloud of conflict, be aware that most individuals will “back into” the problem.

 

Therefore when a guy’s girlfriend says, “I hate that you go out with the guys all the time, and you don’t call, and I don’t feel like I am a part of your life,” then he is fighting the wrong battle by wasting time addressing his time with the guys at all, let alone first. The real problem is this woman looking to connect.

 

Herein lays the rub.

 

Most people do not take time to sort through their anger/frustration/disappointment long enough to properly prioritize their issues. This is a tragic mistake when dealing with conflict in that you are giving your emotions the steering wheel (and emotions make lousy drivers). Thus, whether dealing with conflict at home, in the workplace, in romance, it is critical to take time to sort through the feelings, find the root issues, and then rank them in the proper order. If you make it a habit of flying off at the handle and spouting anything that scoots across your radar, then don’t blame others that your needs aren’t being met. It is unrealistic to expect people to read your mind.

 

***Remember. Humans will naturally assume if you mentioned it first, it is the most important.

 

What does all this mean? First, be aware how you are defining yourself/your needs. It doesn’t matter the medium; phone, e-mail, conversation, etc. Make certain you are framing your identity in positives. Remember our buddy Joe? It might even behoove you to do the following exercise.

 

Free writing is tremendously insightful. Take out a pen and pad. Do not take time to ponder your answers. Just go. Write down three words that define you. Now pay close attention to their order.

 

Remember the forensic analyst who took my sample? He wasn’t a mind reader. He merely paid attention. By asking me to define myself in three words, and then taking notice of their ranking (and whether they were positive or negative), he gained highly accurate insight into my driving forces.

 

Free writing can help you understand yourself. Write down your top three strengths. The first one will likely be what you really believe is your greatest asset. Why? Because people like talking about their strong suits. Now, write down your top three weaknesses. You might notice a shift. This list likely will be the opposite-side of the coin (the reciprocal). Since humans have a natural tendency to distance themselves from the negative, it is much more probable that the last item on the list is your greatest weakness and therefore deserving of more attention.

 

Use this tool for defining your needs in a conflict. Think of the situation then write down the top three/five/ten things that come to mind. Now that you understand how conflict can twist and warp your thoughts, you now can study the list closer. Is the first issue the real priority, or is it a “distancing” from the heart of the matter?

 

Until next time.

Hidden Codes and Hidden Agendas–Part One

Hidden Codes & Hidden Agendas—Part One

 

I’ve learned over the years that, to be successful, it was imperative to learn attention to detail. Notice the world around, analyze everything, pick it apart, and take nothing (even small things) for granted. This is not an easy skill, and, frankly, I am still growing.

 

The written word is amazingly revealing. Since e-mail and electronic media are becoming increasingly popular, I’ll address this in Part One. Now, we all know that e-mail is a popular, but limited form of communication. There is no body language or social cues to add to what is being “said.” Fair enough, but e-mail is still tremendously insightful into character.

 

Why?

 

The largest reason is most people take it for granted. Sort of like the mob boss who discusses his illegal operations in front of his bimbo girlfriend. People too often take for granted that the other end isn’t paying attention.

 

Let’s give some examples.

 

First, is the message riddled with mistakes and misspellings? If this individual did not even take time to run the spell check (a simple and readily available tool), then how does this filter into that person’s character?

 

***Remember. Smaller truths reveal larger ones.

 

Now a misspelling here and there simply says one is human. What I am talking about is just a blatant disregard for any sort of quality to the message. If this person doesn’t take time to ensure quality here, where else does the “quality” of things in his life suffer?

 

Secondly? The hidden agenda. Now, all of us have agendas. Agendas are a good thing so long as they are healthy and productive. Yet, too often agendas smack more of manipulation than of any genuine intent.

 

I.e. What is the key difference in these two statements?

 

1. It is nice to hear from you.
2. It is nice to hear from you now and then.

 

The first one is a genuine compliment. The second clearly demonstrates an agenda. It plainly implies that this individual is not getting a need met (the need for connection) and guilt is used to propel action. The now and then is added (consciously or unconsciously) to the message to make the other end of the communication feel an impetus to write/call back. The person writing this may not even be aware of what he is truly saying, and that is dangerous. Why? Because he is unintentionally shooting himself in the foot by gambling that the person they wish to talk to will fall in line with his wants/needs.

 

Thirdly? How does the person view himself and others?

When people send a friend request, I always go to the profile. It is interesting to see what people write in their various sections, how long they are, and which areas command more “space”. If their “About Me” section is 10,000 words long with every detail down to personal hygiene habits, that, to me, is a pretty straight-forward message about the person. Most likely all communication will be one-sided and the relationship (whatever kind) will be all about him.

 

Then, there are not-so-nefarious examples, such as section length. If a person’s sections are all roughly equal in length, but his music section is three times as long, that tells the careful observer that music is very important to him and takes up a lot of Space (pun intended).

 

Onto monikers (personal names/nicknames). These are very telling of how people view themselves. Generally, the agenda beneath will split into two camps. What is true vs. what this person wishes were true but doesn’t believe about him/herself. I’ll give two examples from two people I know intimately well.

 

Person A chooses the moniker, “Grasshopper” to sign an e-mail. Those of you who watched Kung Fu years ago might remember this was the name Po assigned to his student Kwai Chang Caine who was under tutelage to become a Shaolin monk.

 

Thus, she possibly views herself as a student. Believes she is in need of tutelage.

 

Take care, though. Monikers can be misleading. Is the rest of the message congruent to the nickname? Now, if this person goes on and on in an e-mail talking about how great she is and she knows all the answers, then the moniker is simply a tool of manipulation. But, if the e-mail/message falls in line with her moniker, then there is a clear indication this person really desires to be taught.

 

Person B chooses the moniker “Leonidas.” Now the first thing this should say to you is that there is an inflated sense of self. Most people who actually could rank themselves parallel to this great King of Sparta probably wouldn’t, unless they are an egomaniac and that’s how they became successful. But then again, I have known egomaniacs and they are not exactly the easiest people to deal with.

 

So Person B chose this moniker for a reason. The best defense is a good offense. We had a saying back when I was in sales. “Say it once. Say it twice. Say it three times. Say it four times and they’ll believe.” While I am uncertain who this individual is trying to convince, himself or the receiver of the message, I do know two things. Either he’s an egomaniac, or he doesn’t believe this about at all, but is trying to convince himself and others this is truth.

 

Both Grasshopper and Leonidas are people worth watching.

 

Is Grasshopper teachable? Does she ask questions and listen? Does she follow instructions? Is there any definitive change?

 

And then there is Leonidas.

 

Leonidas, hero of Thermopylae, stood at the front lines to lead his men and people to victory. He was willing to sacrifice his own life for his people. Hmmmm.  

 

That is a tough set of shoes to fill, and my guess is this person’s actions would probably not live up to the name (frankly, few could). In fact, I would probably be very wary. Sort of like the date who keeps telling you she doesn’t like drama. Expect drama.

 

What does all of this mean to you? A lot. We all have agendas. It is how we survive and it is a fact of life. Some agendas are healthy. Others? Not so much. Words are powerful. What are you communicating to others? What are they saying to you? How are you portraying yourself to others? How is that helping/hurting you? What is your agenda? The real one, not the one we use to delude ourselves. Is it a good one? If not? Can you shift it and then clearly communicate this need so it can be fulfilled?

 

Until next time.

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!